Sunday Afternoon Treat

My heart still beat madly out of my chest, the cage of butterflies busted open and when I saw him, my soul smiled. It’s like when we first kissed in 1995, in the church courtyard that linked our schools, and I went to a different dimension. The feeling you feel when you never knew you could be so satisfied and yet wanting so much more, this feeling, this thought, this nostalgia made those seven years feel like seven minutes and I was back in the company of the person who was the most important person in my life on Sunday afternoons in 1995.

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Sweet Liars

How does one process the painful ramifications of the fallout of the lies from a sweet liar? It’s almost easier to deal with an outright asshole because they never hid their deception. At least assholes are wolves from the beginning and you have a choice to lay with a hungry wolf, who you know will rip your heart and emotions to shreds. Also, with an asshole who is honest, you’ll never have to guess what’s coming, it’ll be in your face and you can make a conscious choice to tackle the situation or not.

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Self Love Helps You To Love People Harder

I think all relationships come to the inevitable “What are We?” talk. Up close and personal relationships will challenge our thoughts, our emotions, our feelings and all of the things that we are confronted with and bring them right up to the surface. When you’re committed to your self love and self growth, it is hard to ignore the things that knock right on the door of your heart. These are the things that bubble up when there’s unfinished business in your life. It’s like the literal definition of putting icing on top of poop. Can I carry on a relationship built on honesty and integrity if I’m being dishonest with myself and therefore my partner? Are there things that I haven’t said for fear of losing my partner and just wanting things to stay nice and tidy? I don’t want to upset my partner BUT I really don’t want to upset the nice comfort I’ve built for myself. But comfort isn’t always synonymous with truth and the truth isn’t always comforting BUT at least when truth is present you can have clarity and the option to create a new beginning.

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A Star Is Born

actually now that I am thinking about that fucking movie, I really did not like it BECAUSE that shit was about so much toxicity and poison. There’s nothing glamorous about that type of relationship. He basically imposed himself upon her, and she was the caretaker for her father and his friends and then became the caretaker of this drunk asshole too. What kind of life is that for anyone? She had to be subject to his verbal abuse AND had to deal with her own father who basically was telling her she wasn’t beautiful enough in a Hollywood kind of a way. She was complimented in a backhanded, underhanded, backdoor kind of a way. At no point was anyone choosing Ally for Ally!!!

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Compassion For Myself

However, just like annoying relatives, after a while you just put your foot down and create boundaries. As funny as that sounds, I think I had to create a boundary for myself with myself. I know when I’m at the top of the slippery slope and I know exactly what will push me down that slope, so I stop myself. I have to literally think a different thought so as to not trap myself in a cage of old ass emotions about old ass shit that’s not even happening right now. I know the residual effects are not happening right now in this moment and honestly, what’s missing is me being present. It is easy for me to think thoughts that keep me sad and small. I can easily punish myself with disruptive thoughts but that lacks compassion for me and it’s not in alignment with who I want to be nor who I am.

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A part of recognizing a man, is honoring myself as a woman and accessing my femininity. The right man will allow the room for himself to learn himself, find himself and be good to himself. His ability to be good to himself will leave room for him to be good to me and to humanity. I say this to say that when I know someone is working on themselves it is important to honor their journey and support them on their quest. It is important for me to leave The Alchemist the room that he requests. He has to have the space to be with himself and that has nothing to do with me.

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I Don’t Need To Be Perfect To Be Loved

I did not know love, I learned perfectionism and within the self imposed confines of that, I became a people pleaser and I would sacrifice my well being for a little bit of affection…and knowing it wouldn’t last. I just needed a little bit of something to feel like I mattered. I would have rather been inconvenienced and put out, just to get a little bit of attention and affection because I couldn’t find that. I was wrong at every turn. I was unacceptable at every turn. I was unworthy at every turn. I was looking for ways to be enough and i often came up short and I was told so every single time. Ouch.

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