Complicit In My Own Suffering

The big picture is romantic. The everyday details are grueling. It’s the work of simultaneously building unshakable confidence and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It’s the day to day of interpersonal dynamics, making a choice to say “I need help.” , “You hurt my feelings.”, “I’m sorry and I want to talk this whole thing through.” Each time I skip over an opportunity to be vulnerable, I move further away from allowing people to learn my language. When I shy away from being honest about my hurt feelings because somewhere in my past someone taught me that my sharing didn’t actually matter. I allowed a rejection at some point to stop me from being open and I allow many opportunities to pass by because it’s simply easier than opening myself up.

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A Broken Heart Can Kill You

I knew what it meant to love so completely, and knowing there was an expiration date, and I did it anyway. It was worth the lesson, the growth, the self-introspection but it came along with a pain that brought me to my knees. Ugh. The days when I knew we had to have a hard conversation, I would cry for hours on end, I would literally feel my heart hurting and the daggers turning painfully and there was nothing I could do but ride it out. It hurt because he understood me, saw me, loved me too and it had to end. It hurt because we did things that caused each other more pain on purpose and I don’t like that.

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Apologize To Me For Making Me Mad

How many times have we seen an abused person become an abuser? It’s a dynamic that’s scary because I wonder when does the switch become flicked? When does it occur to someone who had no voice, say or emotional safety become someone who oppresses others? I think with third graders and kids in general, they are finding their voice, their place in the world and their friendships matter a great deal to them at that age. However, adults who never actually find their voice, or work through their childhood abuse become someone who either overly asserts or completely shrinks.

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Sunday Afternoon Treat

My heart still beat madly out of my chest, the cage of butterflies busted open and when I saw him, my soul smiled. It’s like when we first kissed in 1995, in the church courtyard that linked our schools, and I went to a different dimension. The feeling you feel when you never knew you could be so satisfied and yet wanting so much more, this feeling, this thought, this nostalgia made those seven years feel like seven minutes and I was back in the company of the person who was the most important person in my life on Sunday afternoons in 1995.

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Sweet Liars

How does one process the painful ramifications of the fallout of the lies from a sweet liar? It’s almost easier to deal with an outright asshole because they never hid their deception. At least assholes are wolves from the beginning and you have a choice to lay with a hungry wolf, who you know will rip your heart and emotions to shreds. Also, with an asshole who is honest, you’ll never have to guess what’s coming, it’ll be in your face and you can make a conscious choice to tackle the situation or not.

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Self Love Helps You To Love People Harder

I think all relationships come to the inevitable “What are We?” talk. Up close and personal relationships will challenge our thoughts, our emotions, our feelings and all of the things that we are confronted with and bring them right up to the surface. When you’re committed to your self love and self growth, it is hard to ignore the things that knock right on the door of your heart. These are the things that bubble up when there’s unfinished business in your life. It’s like the literal definition of putting icing on top of poop. Can I carry on a relationship built on honesty and integrity if I’m being dishonest with myself and therefore my partner? Are there things that I haven’t said for fear of losing my partner and just wanting things to stay nice and tidy? I don’t want to upset my partner BUT I really don’t want to upset the nice comfort I’ve built for myself. But comfort isn’t always synonymous with truth and the truth isn’t always comforting BUT at least when truth is present you can have clarity and the option to create a new beginning.

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A Star Is Born

actually now that I am thinking about that fucking movie, I really did not like it BECAUSE that shit was about so much toxicity and poison. There’s nothing glamorous about that type of relationship. He basically imposed himself upon her, and she was the caretaker for her father and his friends and then became the caretaker of this drunk asshole too. What kind of life is that for anyone? She had to be subject to his verbal abuse AND had to deal with her own father who basically was telling her she wasn’t beautiful enough in a Hollywood kind of a way. She was complimented in a backhanded, underhanded, backdoor kind of a way. At no point was anyone choosing Ally for Ally!!!

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