Complicit In My Own Suffering

The big picture is romantic. The everyday details are grueling. It’s the work of simultaneously building unshakable confidence and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It’s the day to day of interpersonal dynamics, making a choice to say “I need help.” , “You hurt my feelings.”, “I’m sorry and I want to talk this whole thing through.” Each time I skip over an opportunity to be vulnerable, I move further away from allowing people to learn my language. When I shy away from being honest about my hurt feelings because somewhere in my past someone taught me that my sharing didn’t actually matter. I allowed a rejection at some point to stop me from being open and I allow many opportunities to pass by because it’s simply easier than opening myself up.

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A Broken Heart Can Kill You

I knew what it meant to love so completely, and knowing there was an expiration date, and I did it anyway. It was worth the lesson, the growth, the self-introspection but it came along with a pain that brought me to my knees. Ugh. The days when I knew we had to have a hard conversation, I would cry for hours on end, I would literally feel my heart hurting and the daggers turning painfully and there was nothing I could do but ride it out. It hurt because he understood me, saw me, loved me too and it had to end. It hurt because we did things that caused each other more pain on purpose and I don’t like that.

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Apologize To Me For Making Me Mad

How many times have we seen an abused person become an abuser? It’s a dynamic that’s scary because I wonder when does the switch become flicked? When does it occur to someone who had no voice, say or emotional safety become someone who oppresses others? I think with third graders and kids in general, they are finding their voice, their place in the world and their friendships matter a great deal to them at that age. However, adults who never actually find their voice, or work through their childhood abuse become someone who either overly asserts or completely shrinks.

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The Danger of Codependency

I wanted so much for myself but I kept stopping and putting my healing on hold because I was in a holding pattern of hoping, wishing and fantasizing about things being different and yet they were not. It took us months to actually break up, and I finally had to buckle down and pull the plug for good because it felt like poison to my soul. Do I love this man? Oh I surely do but I loved my sanity, well being and healing far more than him.

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Forgiveness Is Freedom

They say religion is brainwashing and to an extent, I agree but I think religion has different effects on people and in this instance, I think he added more good than evil in the world right now. He did what he thought was best and how can I ever in life be mad at him for that? Is he too soft on his brother’s killer? I don’t think so. What would I have him do instead? Carry around his anger? Allow himself to be weighed down by the pain and harm others? To put his hurt into the world and perpetuate a cycle of grief? For what? To save face and to appease the masses? Please get the fuck out of here with that.

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That’s Not Cute…

We outgrow situations, places, and people and there are no hard feelings involved. Shit, we even outgrow our own bullshit when it stops serving us. There is no other way to look at this progression in life, we grow up and situations become unworkable and they have to end. Swap out situations for people. Why keep being friends with someone who is committed to a one-sided friendship? Why call ppl who don’t return calls? Why chase friendships? Nah. I am going to get myself to a place where I can say…oh yea…that’s cute and not keep being pissed at myself for being a sellout. I am going to stop sabotaging myself. Maybe you should too?

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Take Your Hurt Feelings And Go!

Also if someone goes off on you after you’ve politely told them you’re not interested, consider yourself lucky because you dodged an enormous bullet. Sane humans beings, while hurt may offer words of regret or may even ask why but an unstable person will dredge up some crazy things to say to get a rise out of you, and the best response is no response. You can’t argue with someone who insecure and has a negative self-image because they will bring you down to the pits of their sadness and you deserve better than that. Take your rejections in stride, and take your hurt feelings and go.

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