Sweet Liars

How does one process the painful ramifications of the fallout of the lies from a sweet liar? It’s almost easier to deal with an outright asshole because they never hid their deception. At least assholes are wolves from the beginning and you have a choice to lay with a hungry wolf, who you know will rip your heart and emotions to shreds. Also, with an asshole who is honest, you’ll never have to guess what’s coming, it’ll be in your face and you can make a conscious choice to tackle the situation or not.

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Heart Fluttering Business

I was joking with someone when I said I was in the heart fluttering business and they were like duh…no shit. I was like what the heck does that even mean? He looked at me really earnestly and almost teary eyed and said “The things you’ve told me about myself, are things no one has told me in more than two decades. You made me feel so good about myself.” That made me sad and happy at the same time. But mostly sad because there’s no way anyone should be sleeping in the same bed with someone and words of earnest kindness and warmth isn’t being shared everyday.

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Date Grown Ass Men

The conversation was organic, authentic and extremely easy. There wasn’t a whole lot of surface conversation about bullshit, we got right into talking about our projects, our kiddos, our life journeys and just all the important things that drive good conversation forward. He is very easy on the eyes, he has a slighter build than what I normally prefer BUT he’s so damn confident, and easy to talk to, so it didn’t actually matter at all. A couple drinks in me, and I felt more calm and more at ease to act out what I was thinking.

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Accepting Heartbreak

Things were always too unpredictable and I never truly felt as if he was ever fully all in, so I always braced myself for him to back out or just cancel. I was ready for that to be the case. But that night happened to be great. As he was driving me home and we held hands and I looked into his eyes I felt his sincerity. I felt like he’d also had a good night but I also felt his exhaustion. I felt his tiredness and his need for sleep and a respite. He needed to rest and focus on his job and his child and himself. I felt that. Yet he didn’t say any of this. He kissed me sweetly the way he does each and every time, then he said I hope you have a happy birthday and I’ll see you tonight at the spot. That was 13 days ago. I haven’t spoken to him since, not a word, not a text, not a carrier pigeon, not a telegram, not a tweet, not a DM, not a smoke signal, not a bat signal, no death notice, no bail bearing, no funeral arrangements nothing but silence.

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There is something about a kiss from someone who you know your soul recognizes that takes you to higher heights. We can’t control what happens outside of these moments of sheer bliss. Life happens. But in that moment when his eyes find my eyes and he can peer into my soul, see where I’ve been and I do the same and we decide to make serious magic in the bed, the earth fucking moves. It moves in our bodies and we are making good on our agreement to find each other.

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Love Cannot Be Contained

In the very subjective analysis I can definitively say that I was not treated with love, kindness nor consideration. There was no part of the way he acted came from a place of love. He is selfish and he is a coward. Fine. That is not the way i want to live my life. Therefore there’s no energy that this man could get from me in real life. I need to write this out, talk it out, purge it out and then move on. I can think about the situation as a reminder and as a lesson not to give in too easily. This is a reminder and a lesson to reconcile my own feelings and go with my gut the first time.

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I Love Me More

It’s not that you’re not enough
In fact you’re very much enough
You satisfy me as much as I am allowing myself to be filled
I have love for you
My defense mechanism doesn’t trust you
Because you’ve told me that you are a master manipulator
You’ve explained in detail that you’re not true to anyone but yourself
The realist in me loves that shit
Because word that’s the truest love there is
If you aren’t true to you then the fuck you doing?

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