How Much Grief Is Too Much Grief?

Grieving is a necessary part of life. It is a raw expression of feeling loss, disappointment and a longing for what once was or what could have been. What grief is not, is being present to what is possible while overcoming that pain. Actively preparing myself to be sad on a particular day is disempowering and there is no honor in operating that way for me. Whether I am grieving for a lost relationship, or a lost loved one the answer remains the same; I cannot grieve forever.

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The Vicious Cycle Of Undiagnosed Pain

They will have become masterful at blaming their low energy on work, or stress, but they will never admit to feeling choked and oppressed by their lives. They will never speak about taking breaks to cry at work in the bathroom, they won’t tell you the countless hours they spend researching the easiest way to die, and they damn sure will not share the drafts of the suicide note they’ve edited hundreds of times. You will never know until you are crying over them as they lay in their casket wondering how this could have happened.

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A Letter To Anyone Haunted By The Trauma Of Not Being Believed…

You as an adult never realize when you’ll have a moment of flashback until you’re drowning in tears and unable to catch your breath because you’re being suffocated by the silence and rage you’ve had to swallow for years because NO ONE took the time to make you feel protected, wanted and like they would bring justice to your cries for help. This is for those of us who have sat in silence because there have been no examples where we have ever felt like our bodies mattered enough for anyone to care. This letter is for all of us who are so scarred by our trauma of not being believed or being brushed off entirely. It’s not your fault.

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Our Parents Beat Us- We Are Better People Because Of It…Or Are We?

Why is beating children a good idea, but we know a husband beating a wife is a bad idea? What are the logical and factual reasons for beating children so badly they have black and blues and welts all over their bodies? Is the lesson; if you do something wrong, you should be punished by getting beaten down? When you fuck up the only recourse is to get hit by anything someone can find so you know never to do that thing again? An adult asserting power in this way is simply abusive and there are no real positive results stemming from a practice rooted in dominance, fear, and total and utter compliance. Why are we spanking toddlers? We do it so they can listen better? How come it’s frowned upon to spank puppies or kittens when they don’t listen, but it’s okay to spank little people who do not speak yet?

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I Apologize For Hurting You But I’m Not Responsible For Your Healing

There is room for follow up conversations, which can provide clarity, forward movement, and further healing, nevertheless no one is responsible for someone else’s healing process. Childhood trauma, teenage drama, and life before you, play a role in how someone processes hurt and move through their healing process. There’s nothing that anyone can do to heal someone’s abandonment issues. Listening to someone’s story is one thing, however, taking them through the trials and tribulations associated with healing must come from their willingness to heal.

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How Could They?

I would have gone to sleep forever. I wanted to. I literally tried because at 13, I saw no real concept of anything getting better and I couldn’t deal with being on this earth for one more moment. Some people probably would have asked, how I could have done that to my mom, but I would have told them that she should have listened instead of just talking all the time. They would have wondered why, but if they had read any of my poetry or leaned in and asked questions, no one would question my actions BECAUSE they would have gotten that i has actually felt very hopeless. Suicide was my answer because that’s all that made sense.

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Sometimes You Gotta Fuck Shit Up

Sometimes woosah doesn’t work and frankly I do not want to woosah. I do not want to be good and gracious and merciful. Why should I be? Why should I be kind? It’s the right thing to do? The right thing FOR ME is to look him in the eyes, have him look me in the eyes and say every fucking thing that’s on my mind. I want to roundhouse kick him straight in the face and scratch his chest with my nails and kick him straight in the shins. I want to bruise his ribs badly so that he has trouble gasping for air so he can feel what I felt when he did what he did.

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