Complicit In My Own Suffering

The big picture is romantic. The everyday details are grueling. It’s the work of simultaneously building unshakable confidence and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It’s the day to day of interpersonal dynamics, making a choice to say “I need help.” , “You hurt my feelings.”, “I’m sorry and I want to talk this whole thing through.” Each time I skip over an opportunity to be vulnerable, I move further away from allowing people to learn my language. When I shy away from being honest about my hurt feelings because somewhere in my past someone taught me that my sharing didn’t actually matter. I allowed a rejection at some point to stop me from being open and I allow many opportunities to pass by because it’s simply easier than opening myself up.

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The Danger of Codependency

I wanted so much for myself but I kept stopping and putting my healing on hold because I was in a holding pattern of hoping, wishing and fantasizing about things being different and yet they were not. It took us months to actually break up, and I finally had to buckle down and pull the plug for good because it felt like poison to my soul. Do I love this man? Oh I surely do but I loved my sanity, well being and healing far more than him.

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Bumbling Bees

That shit was legit but it was all kinds of dudes, all kinds of ages, all kinds of ethnicities and all kinds of looks. I didn’t want all kinds of anything. I had to adjust the age because I don’t want any 20 something year olds UNLESS we are just having sex and maybe just maybe have a fun day at the beach or some shit. I had to filter the other direction too because I don’t want to date anyone 55 years old and over because UMMMMM no, I don’t want no DAddy who is literally as old as my own parents. That’s not appealing to me at all. I also had to filter young ones and the older guys who didn’t have kids.

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Unleashed

Does your mind fuck with you?
The way your mind fucks with me?
Got me thinking we were magically
Intertwined in something so lovely
When in fact you were sneakily
Plotting your dip out
Without any controversy
Cuz you’re cowardly

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My Wildest Dreams

I’d like to be able to say that when I leave this earth, I left it better than I found it. I have always believed that it is my mission to remind people that their love is far greater than their fear. I am starting with myself and the conversations I’m having in my brain and out in real life. I was playing a game that was far too small for what I knew I was capable of in my life. But I needed that incubation period to connect to who I needed to connect to AND I needed to be reminded of what not honoring my life looked like.

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And Who Will Save Me?

I’m strong and I need support. I’m strong and I need to be hugged. I’m strong and I need forehead kisses. I’m strong and I need my hand held. I’m strong and I need gentle love making. I’m strong and I need soft kisses. I’m strong and I need to my head on your chest. I’m strong and I need your nurturing. I’m strong and I’m a human being with needs. My strength doesn’t absolve me of my mortal feelings.

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All or Nothing

My intention is to be a clearing for honesty, integrity and partnership at every level. Tangibly it looks like telling all parts of the raw truth. That looks like speaking up when I’m scared, speaking up when I’m sad, speaking up when I feel like things aren’t right and honoring the beauty of communication so things can be resolved through clarity and asking for answers. Integrity is about holding myself to what I’d say I’d do. It’s about loving myself enough to set the precedent on how I allow myself to be treated.

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