The Struggles of A Fatherless Girl

However, I’m very much hyper-award of my own feelings because my daughter is acutely experiencing a similar feeling with her father. He hardly calls, he doesn’t show up when he said he would, misses her birthday and holidays and is absent. She recently had a heart-wrenching series of questions about her father’s love for her, was her mad at her and what did she do to make him stay away? My heart broke for her because I empathize so acutely with what she’s dealing with, but I’m so proud that she is articulating her pain and while she said she thought I would be upset that she missed ​him, I reassured her that I could never be mad at her missing her father.

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Complicit In My Own Suffering

The big picture is romantic. The everyday details are grueling. It’s the work of simultaneously building unshakable confidence and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It’s the day to day of interpersonal dynamics, making a choice to say “I need help.” , “You hurt my feelings.”, “I’m sorry and I want to talk this whole thing through.” Each time I skip over an opportunity to be vulnerable, I move further away from allowing people to learn my language. When I shy away from being honest about my hurt feelings because somewhere in my past someone taught me that my sharing didn’t actually matter. I allowed a rejection at some point to stop me from being open and I allow many opportunities to pass by because it’s simply easier than opening myself up.

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Let Me Love (Control)You

The ones we love will arrive at their lessons when it’s time to do so. Our ability to love someone as they directly stem from how we accept and love ourselves. The more work I do on myself is the more I am able to expand my understanding of what is love and what is control. The more I allow my child to be herself, listen to her realizations and love her despite my oppositions to her path of enlightenment, I can still listen and accept the path she’s choosing barring imminent death. We cannot control what the ones we love do and we shouldn’t because we don’t like it being done to us. Well, I don’t like it being done to me. I am a firm believer in getting burned in order to know that fire is hot and I have to respect whatever people believe for themselves.

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The Spark

The routine of good morning texts, wyd texts, and let us make a plan to hang once a week is the antithesis of a slow burn, and I need slow burn. I believe in reaching out when I have something important to say, when I know I want to see him and we create that plan. I prefer to save conversations for in-person connection and taking it from there. Anyone who is a parent, works and has adulting to do is going to be very selective with their time and will want to spend it wisely. I can get behind that idea and take things as they come.

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Namaste But NammafuckyouUp: Don’t Let The Easy Vibes Fool You

In fact, the advocacy IS to speak up when bothered and if it’s not understood when I say it tactfully, then I’ll just have to bring out my inner goon and let motherfuckers know that my personal peace trumps whatever the fuck they think of me. Yes, Namaste, the light in me sees the light in you, but Nammafuckyouup, the goon in me sees the shade in you. Do not fuck with me. Come to me respectfully, and I promise I will absolutely do the same. However I will not be muted, silenced or looked over because that’s what someone believes I deserve. I’m going to speak up for myself and that’s just that.


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You Can’t Sit With Us

Every opportunity isn’t for everyone, and all spots have to be earned. We carve out our space in this world, choose our communities wisely, and build from the ground up when we weren’t invited to certain tables. Everyone can effectively choose where they will sit and how they will show up in this world based on their sense of self. Everyone at some point will be rejected from tables, however, that’s an opportunity to create your own. Every table isn’t for everybody and if you want to stay at a table there are rules, and if you cannot comply, then you can’t sit here. Period.

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