In Hindsight

That situation was going to come to a head and I am so used to shit unfolding, me being rattled, and with time, it all blows over until the next lesson. I needed that moment to get me past this space. I needed the ugliness and the burning down of that bridge to move on, but no words and no convo meant no closure and I could not live with that. I also knew I could never trust nor be with him in the same way ever again, and I needed to burn him out of my life so it had to be in a way that I felt there was no coming back from at all. Sadly, I need him to be so mad at me that I know there is no possibility of talking or forgiveness.

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It’s about giving me the choice to overstand
And to choose
Honesty is vulnerability
It’s about the bare necessities
The very clear line
That respect is what is given
Because honestly
Human beings have complexities
That do not fit neatly into boxes
We are multidimensional beings

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Accepting Heartbreak

Things were always too unpredictable and I never truly felt as if he was ever fully all in, so I always braced myself for him to back out or just cancel. I was ready for that to be the case. But that night happened to be great. As he was driving me home and we held hands and I looked into his eyes I felt his sincerity. I felt like he’d also had a good night but I also felt his exhaustion. I felt his tiredness and his need for sleep and a respite. He needed to rest and focus on his job and his child and himself. I felt that. Yet he didn’t say any of this. He kissed me sweetly the way he does each and every time, then he said I hope you have a happy birthday and I’ll see you tonight at the spot. That was 13 days ago. I haven’t spoken to him since, not a word, not a text, not a carrier pigeon, not a telegram, not a tweet, not a DM, not a smoke signal, not a bat signal, no death notice, no bail bearing, no funeral arrangements nothing but silence.

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Dating Is…

I want men who are busy as hell AND they make time and they spend energy thinking about ways to woo me. That’s what I’m into. Because I’m always going to bring my best to the table. I’m always gonna look fly, smell good, speak on a variety of topics and add to your value. That’s just who I am. I’m not gonna settle for anyone who doesn’t recognize or isn’t ready to rise to the occasion. Dating is fun but it should also be a learning experience that leaves both parties better and well fed in mind, body and spirit.

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There is something about a kiss from someone who you know your soul recognizes that takes you to higher heights. We can’t control what happens outside of these moments of sheer bliss. Life happens. But in that moment when his eyes find my eyes and he can peer into my soul, see where I’ve been and I do the same and we decide to make serious magic in the bed, the earth fucking moves. It moves in our bodies and we are making good on our agreement to find each other.

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Love Cannot Be Contained

In the very subjective analysis I can definitively say that I was not treated with love, kindness nor consideration. There was no part of the way he acted came from a place of love. He is selfish and he is a coward. Fine. That is not the way i want to live my life. Therefore there’s no energy that this man could get from me in real life. I need to write this out, talk it out, purge it out and then move on. I can think about the situation as a reminder and as a lesson not to give in too easily. This is a reminder and a lesson to reconcile my own feelings and go with my gut the first time.

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I could give him a bunch of different scenarios to make all of this better and more workable for both of us but why? A part of my exhaustion and sheer annoyance is the fact that we spoke at length. We talked about the easy things to put in place that would make any situation reasonable. We talked about how a quick call/text would add value and put out any fire in this situation. We agreed. Yet, there was none of that when the shit really mattered.

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