Teachers Are Saviors

I have to say that when I learned about love it came from my teachers. I mean, I am talking about being a new kid to this country, to two new schools and I was going through it. Outwardly I was a smiley, happy and friendly kid but on most days I was fucked up. My head and heart was often distressed as fuck because the adults outside of school took care of my fundamental and basic needs BUT they didn’t nurture nor nourish me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. There were far too many days when I was dangerously close to going home to kill myself and a conversation with particular teachers saved my life.

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Healing With Time

In reflection and remembrance of the things that caused serious heart break, there is a lesson or multiple lessons to be learned. I am wiser and more discerning with my time and my energy, for sure. I think I put myself in precarious situations because I needed to fucking know. I know and while I wouldn’t say it was worth it per say, I’m glad I experienced all that pain and all the bad choices because it made me a lot more aware of myself, my capabilities and the shit that i should and shouldn’t do. I know that I’m responsible for a lot of my own headache and heartache by stepping into stupid situations. I needed to know. I now know. Lesson learned. Maybe.

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Time Vs. Vibes.

Should I give it a chance? I could potentially have a wonderful time with this man and a wonderful life. I could have a positive and happy experience and I’ll never have to worry. Could be amazing. Or it could be literal hell on earth. Could I settle for safety and hope the passion and desire grows? I could. But will I? This all begs the question, is it worth it for me to come up off of my time by myself, dating and moments of complete peace to get with someone for companionship and all the other alleged perks of relationships? The perks also come with the headaches and I’m not convinced that a relationship will satisfy me more than my own company.

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Space Doesn’t Have To Be Bad

I’ve become someone who needs mental and physical space from the world sometimes. I know when I’m headed into a vicious cycle and my brain is fucking with me. I know that these words that I tell myself sometimes are unhealthy and just not what I should be telling myself but it happens. It’s about catching myself and reminding myself that vicious words, even though they are mine, they are not true. I know everyone goes through these lulls and moments of self deprecation BUT it’s a phase that passes and sometimes I don’t think feel like i should have to explain that to adults. Sometimes I just need space to be with myself. That’s really all there is to it. I think about so many things in that space and I reflect on my interactions and generally I love all the people in my immediate circle of love.

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What Is For You Will Not Pass You

We will win some. We will lose some. We will learn. We will fail. We will rise. I will lose. I will win. I will fail. I will rise. It is as simple as that. No one has done anything to me, I am simply living out my chapters and the book is just starting to get good. I’m not going to pretend that knowing something in theory is the same as knowing something in practice. Owning my mistakes, my flaws and my hard lessons are a part of my journey. I embrace my life as it is and I will continue to learn myself through all of these lessons. I am love, I am light and everything I am willing to give to others, I’ll give to myself as well.

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The Right To Die

Funerals are for the living. The dead are already gone and transitioned into the next realm. Often, I find that people become obsessed with comparing stories of how much they loved the deceased and how much their death is impacting their lives and who is actually more sad. But the honest to God truth is that we live with an enormous amount of regret and sadness when a person dies. We do not say how we feel enough, we do not lean in enough, we do not actually care and make life work as much as we think we do. In fact, the love that is present and the feelings that are present when we mean to check in…the intention is good but more often than not, we procrastinate and we don’t get around to calling or leaning in to see what’s good.

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Understanding My Feelings

It’s up to individuals to choose whether or not they are going to continue to function in a way that doesn’t honor themselves. We teach people how to treat us and we can be patient and forgiving when they blunder but past a certain point, it’s important to know when to wrap a situation up forever. I believe that forgiveness is an important skill to practice, as is empathy. Regardless of how we feel about people and how slighted or hurt we may feel we have to get that no one is responding to us specifically. People are living their narratives and they are working within their own skills to make it through their lives and it has nothing to do with us.

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