Recently and not so recently I was confronted and admittedly grossed out by the idea that a man I would date would like the idea of sucking dick, having sexual intercourse with men and even consider dating men and I didn’t like how my strong reaction rocked my ultra-liberal mindsetI’m no prude, I’m no homophobe and I damn sure believe that love is love and everyone has a right to do what they want with their bodies, so how come the thought of a bisexual man being my man grosses me out? How come even after a lengthy, positive, and almost too dope of a connection with an awesome man, I immediately retracted my interest after he disclosed very casually that he was a bisexual man. It was as though all sound became devoid from my ears, my throat was filled with a lump way too big to explain and my defenses simply said: “Nah son, fuck that.” What the fuck is that about Arihat? I should be better than this, right? I should accept people as they are because that’s what I do. But I couldn’t. I am still working on it but I just don’t want every time I think I’m kissing my man, I’m imagining him kissing a man and when I’m sucking his dick, I don’t want him to be thinking about a man sucking his dick. My mind is compulsive normally and with the thoughts surrounding a bisexual man, my shit is in overdrive.
Okay, on the real let’s unpack this shit, so I can figure out what is happening with my emotions. I have done my share of dabbling with women and exploring my sexuality. However, what I know now is that I am not a fan of other women’s vaginas. I mean anything can happen in the right setting and sex is a fluid thing, but I am not going to seek out a woman to date, sleep with or anything by myself because it’s just not for me. The idea of being with a woman during a threesome is tantalizing and again, the right circumstances can make that very sexy and appealing because I’m mostly there for the voyeurism and not necessarily enticed by sleeping with her. However, a bisexual male partner means that potentially we would be sucking the same dick and he could be penetrated and also do some penetrating, and I am very uncomfortable with that. Realistically though, the “straight” men that I’ve dated could be having bisexual encounters and I know nothing about it, and everything remains copacetic. However, a man choosing to openly disclose his sexual preferences, bracing for a rejection, and simply just wanting to be upfront and honest DESERVES an opportunity like everyone else to be accepted as they are. What exactly is the problem? How could I be enticed, and adore all aspects of this man, but reject his sexual preference? On what grounds am I rejecting him? Is it because his sexuality is fluid? His acceptance of himself? His knowing what he wants for himself? Furthermore, he absolutely doesn’t need my approval, acceptance or my rejection. He expressed himself and gave me a choice to accept him or not.
Bisexual women I would imagine may face the same level of scrutiny and hesitation when it comes to people dating them and taking them seriously. There is an automatic mistrust because how could anyone trust a woman who wants to date a man and a woman? When I sit with the logic of my bias, I want to hang my head in shame because what I’m actually doing is boxing my potential lover into a situation they didn’t ask to be involved in and my mind creates a story that makes no sense. Regardless if a man is straight or bisexual, if we are walking towards a relationship, there will be commitments, agreements, and conversations that would take place which would support both of our wants and needs. There is no perfect relationship, and yes things tend to get a bit complicated when there’s love, sex, and sexuality on the table but I mean, how is that different than anything else? I am a firm believer in ethical non-monogamy, yes that’s what it’s called and when done with honesty, and integrity everyone can live within the boundaries in ways that support love and rising in love every single day. The logical, respectful, kind, open and listening part of my being knows that it doesn’t actually matter if the man I like is bisexual or straight, he just has to be honest and lead with integrity. I can always commit to doing the same.
There is no point in me denying what I feel, but what I have to do is also be honest about it. I believe in transparency and being open about my biases and working actively to face them and unpack situations fairly. Who am I reject a man I like because of his sexual preference? This is not a good reason for me. I will fucking absolutely reject a vegan because they are exhausting as hell, but I can commit to working with a man who is honest because that feels good. We all want to be loved with our stuff, we want to connect and be with the people who will see ALL of us and still want to stay. Connections, I mean true, honest and open connections are rare and they will surprise us with the packaging it may be wrapped in and we should go with the flow. I am not inclined to close my mind and my heart because of something I hadn’t unpacked and rejected in my 20s because I thought it was gross. What is gross about loving someone who you have a connection with? What is gross about wanting to pursue a sexual relationship with someone you’re attracted to? What is gross about honoring yourself? What’s gross is being close-minded and dishonoring someone’s right to love as they please. I am forever working on facing myself in the mirror and it’s uncomfortable and this topic is uncomfortable but feels less so now that I have put it all out there. I am so incredibly flawed but I try my best to be with these flaws. The intangibles and unresolved in me perhaps encourage my rejection of others in their expression and THAT is not at all fair. Today is a good day as any to face my bias.