I used to be stressed out when I couldn’t have my way, and I just knew it was because the other person was being an asshole. I was a victim and they were trespassing on my right as a human being to be happy. They were wrong. I was right. They failed me. Chile! Let me tell you that way of being was fucked up and out of alignment with me who I am today. I used to be so attached to what I wanted, I failed to pay attention to signs, words being said and actions being taken to get the point across. I was stuck in my own way of being and I was ruining my organic interactions by having my own trajectory and personal mission without input from the other party. I was monopolizing my relationships with my unfair and one-sided expectations and I’ve paid for the consequences.
I’m aware of how it feels to have someone want me to do what they want, and on their schedule- it sucks. I think sometimes we get into a routine and we take for granted what other people willingly do for us and we just expect them to be there all the time. We are aware of our role in the dynamic but I think we forget the other person’s perspective and often forget to check in on how they are feeling. I’ve been finding myself feeling burned out, resentful and irritated with people closest to me because I sometimes hit a wall. I don’t always know the wall is coming until I’ve crashed into it head first and all I have are my reactions. I don’t have the capacity to be my soft, caring, listening self with a lot of room for other people’s stuff. I shut down, I don’t want to talk, I need a lot of room and if I’m not given the space, I push that person even further away. Their expectations will not be met, because I don’t budge when I feel strongly about a principle and I then become so resentful, I still keep an arm’s length even after I’ve started feeling better. I could be better in my handling of that, and I’m working on it, but as of right now that’s the reality. If you crowd my space with your expectations, I will box you out indefinitely.
I’ve been guilty of making someone’s need for space about me. I have taken their silence, as an attack on me, and I spend a ridiculous amount of time agonizing and suffering about an issue that has zero to do with me. The more I pushed the person to open up, is the deeper and wider the distance became. The non-issue with me becomes a real issue because I didn’t acknowledge nor respect the person’s need for space. I now overstand how it feels. My need for room, space and time are critical and essential for my well being. I despise small talk, so I look to avoid situations that would create an opportunity for that possibility. I also sometimes like to be quiet, and contemplative for days, sometimes weeks or however long I need to start feeling social again. Unless you’re my child, your needs will be put on my back burner because what I need takes precedence and I won’t compromise because it’s not good for my mental health. If I can’t be good to myself first, I damn sure can’t be good for you, so give me space.
I’ve learned that people do what they can with the resources they have. I don’t take it personally when someone has to do what’s best for them. Some situations hurt, sting and are harder than others to digest, but chances are, it has nothing to do with me. We all have our own way of coping and finding comfort. I fault no one because I don’t know their story or how they arrived at their space of wellness or lack thereof. I have learned to admire people who speak up for themselves and choose themselves before they can do anything for anyone else. Sometimes it is going to be unpleasant, messy, and feelings may get hurt in the process. Life is like this sometimes. However, I believe it serves us well, when we remain objective, assume nothing and take steps back to give people room when it’s requested. Take nothing personally is the best advice I can offer to anyone looking for answers. Everyone needs something they can only get from within sometimes, and the journey to that conclusion is a rocky one. There’s no blueprint, nor master map on how to arrive at personal peace. The journey is unpredictable and how humans react is anyone’s guess. I remember this when I’m tempted to feel negative emotions. I look within, I’m discovering how I’m sorting through my personal peace and it’s not easy. I can only hope that no one takes my self-care as a personal attack on them.