There are days when I’m clear about my path, the reason I am here and everything makes perfect sense. I center my thoughts, and I push the negative ones out of the way so I can make room for affirmations. I open my laptop, the words flow freely out of my brain and the sun shines just for me. These are the days when the reason for my evolution is very clear. I understand the lessons that are being taught by the universe and I sit with gratefulness in my heart. I am thankful for the heartaches, the bruised ego and the ways I’ve been broken because I’m now wiser and stronger for having gone through those things. These are the days when my heart chakra is wide open and everything makes sense.
Then there are these shitty ass, uncomfortable, what the hell is the point of being woke?-days. The day begins with an errant thought about my inadequacy in parenting, writing and as a human being. I alternate between editing my work to the point where I’ve lost my original thought, and wondering why the dude I thought was perfection ghosted me? These are the days where I swear my chakras are all out of alignment and every single planet in my chart is in retrograde, and I am destined to be a single woman with a failed writing career. These are the days where knowing the work doesn’t translate to the practicality of the pain of daily life. Sometimes knowing the work doesn’t stop the painful thoughts from running rapidly through my mind. It’s not that the work isn’t real, but there a moments where the work doesn’t matter because the pain stings my ego too much.
Awareness of my thoughts and feelings do make things easier for me to push through. I can spiritually make sense of each and every instance of my growth. I am at a space of my life where I know why I had to have those experiences and I am grateful BUT the hurtful moments still cut me deeply. I have the foresight to see situations way before I even really get too deeply into them. This is a double edged sword because it’s walking into the fire knowing I will be burned but the scars will heal. Just because I have foresight it doesn’t mean I always execute the wisdom needed to save myself from the pain. Growing pains are an active part of this spiritual walk, it’s where we learn to stretch and how the cracks become filled with the lessons for elevation. Will I dabble in situations that will waste my time? Probably because I have many more lessons to learn and I am okay with taking the time to do so.
I don’t like when I can’t have what I want. However, I take not getting what I want very seriously because a no now isn’t always a no forever. Furthermore, the person that I may desire may not have anything for me on this journey and I am enticed by their essence but that could be the poison that destroys my life. I’m learning to accept rejections, ghosting and closed doors because the universe is honoring me and what I say I want. I’ve accepted that this road may be a lonely one, and I may not align with many souls, and I believe that is okay. Some days will be lonely and isolating but that doesn’t mean it will be a lonely life. Our days in this life are subject to our choice over our feelings. Joy and sadness are choices for me, and I won’t rob myself of feeling sad if that’s what’s coming up. I’m not going to force my feelings down because I don’t want to feel them. However, I will not be consumed by my sadness. It will pass and I can look forward to reflecting on the lesson.
The hardest part for me is watching those I love in the midst of their suffering. I am not better or more evolved than anyone, but I’ve just been in similar situations and I know how painful it can be. Truthfully, no one could have done anything for me while I was in my own storms because I had to learn resilience. I had to stand firmly, get knocked down, get back up and walk through to storm to get through it. I had to suffer, and find triumph through my growing pains. This is the same way we will all arrive at our own space of nirvana and enlightenment. I may be having a tough moment right now, but as I type these words the birds are chirping and the sun is out. I can reflect and see the very clear reason why what I wanted didn’t work out and while it sucks, I’m thankful I didn’t need to walk through the fire for this lesson.