I was looking for articles that could help me overstand what I’m feeling. I am calm and yet there are times I worry about not being enough and sometimes I worry about being too much and eventually it’s all a spiral of worry and more worry. Here I am in a space where I was comfortable with someone with whom I am so much alike yet we are different but it works well. We go through ebbs and flows and we are constantly discovering each other and in the process discovering ourselves and trying to navigate our relationship in the midst of our own personal lives. It is a process and sometimes it’s an uncomfortable and inconvenient process but if you’re anything like me, you want what you want when you want it. But I also know that the universe doesn’t work that way and how else can I learn my capacity for change and transformation if I only see things from my lenses? Silly girl.
So what happened? Well it seems like a break is happening. A pause or a halt or a stoppage of the lovey dovey tenderness that comes with a traditional relationship and honeymoon period. The pulling back from cutesy names, hand holding, and longing gazes are to be put on pause so there can be room for clarity, overstanding and room to pay attention to what ELSE is happening without being conflicted. This can occur as a breakup of some kind if I were searching for ways for this to be a tragedy. But in actuality it is a lesson in patience, commitment, self love and love, actually for someone else’s commitment to themselves and their growth. I think all relationships come to the inevitable “What are We?” talk. Up close and personal relationships will challenge our thoughts, our emotions, our feelings and all of the things that we are confronted with and bring them right up to the surface. When you’re committed to your self love and self growth, it is hard to ignore the things that knock right on the door of your heart. These are the things that bubble up when there’s unfinished business in your life. It’s like the literal definition of putting icing on top of poop. Can I carry on a relationship built on honesty and integrity if I’m being dishonest with myself and therefore my partner? Are there things that I haven’t said for fear of losing my partner and just wanting things to stay nice and tidy? I don’t want to upset my partner BUT I really don’t want to upset the nice comfort I’ve built for myself. But comfort isn’t always synonymous with truth and the truth isn’t always comforting BUT at least when truth is present you can have clarity and the option to create a new beginning.
I am infamous to myself for staying silent about things that are not okay. I have a capacity to put myself in less than desirable situations and stay there trying to make a way to make it work. I’ve been learning to pay attention to my own inner voice and my own voices telling me to pay attention and to be wise about my own observations. I can ask questions for clarity but I can also make statements about my own well being and advocate for myself when situations seem like one way but actions are saying something else. I can and have a right to raise concerns about things I see and wonder about BECAUSE I have a capacity to see a large picture and I also know that if certain things keep going the way they are going, there is an obvious and predictable outcome. I’ve been known to see outcomes coming and yet walking the path anyway. I don’t necessarily think that’s brave of me because in reality that way of being does more harm than good. However, I believe that we have the power to change outcomes IF an honest, and I mean a raw, no pulling punches, straight up truth telling conversation can take place. I think that NOT knowing an outcome is a beautiful thing because when two people can come together and speak their truth without fear of judgment or fear or rejection or retaliation, it leaves room for creation. I believe that when we can share a truth that may be painful to say and maybe even painful to receive, it leaves room for reflection, choice and a new beginning. I think truth is the opportunity to grow in ways we didn’t know were possible AND creates a space for both people to grow closer and support each other on mission of loving themselves radically and powerfully.
I am, like all people complex and I don’t understand all of my complexities BUT I don’t shy away from my truth. I am also learning that when I admit hard things to myself it makes room for the things that need to grow. Deluding myself only hinders my growth and expansion and it puts a blockage between me and my higher self. It prevents me from doing the work I need to grow and honestly that is the only thing that stops me. Miracles occur when we make room for them to occur and that means to stop standing in my own way. Life surprises us when we commit to doing the work for our souls no matter how terrifying, hard, uncomfortable and sticky it may feel. Sometimes things are outright daunting BUT how else can I know what my capacity is, unless I force myself to stretch and face the music? Doing those things helps me to empathize with the ones I love when we have difficult conversations that could potentially affect our interactions. But in the recent weeks I’ve had a few deeply difficult conversations with people that I kinda did not want to have. I didn’t want to talk about it but I know I needed to because when you love your people, and you’re in close quarters with them, shit is bound to come up that will rock the boat. But I say, always bet on your friendships that have proven to be resilient no matter what comes at it. Friendships of all kind grow when there is room to do so. Friendships evolve because people evolve. People evolve and grow and stretch and the boxes that were there at the beginning of the friendship are not the same and sometimes the boxes disappear all together. When we love people like we love ourselves we overstand the need to speak our truth. It’s nothing more than unlocking the next dimension of our growth and well being. It’s the access to being our best selves for ourselves and eventually for each other.
Specifically speaking about The Alchemist, he is a man with whom I share so much with. The things I hesitate to say to others, I say to him. The things I hesitate to say to him, I end up saying anyway because I’m not scared and I’m learning he is brave like that too. I am learning that when I chose to love him, it meant loving him as he is and as he is not. It doesn’t mean loving him the way that is convenient for me. It doesn’t mean loving him in the way I want to see him. It doesn’t mean that I love him in the ways that satisfy my version of him for me. In fact it has nothing to do with ME, but everything to do with loving HIM just as he is. There’s nothing to analyze, think about, process nor figure out. This man is a wonderfully brilliant man AND he is courageous, honest, full of integrity, brave, tender, kind and he’s my friend. He’s my friend AND he’s a part of my system of support and love and we have a bond that is inexplicable. It doesn’t matter what he and I say we are going to do but what matters is what we admit to ourselves about ourselves. Being present to his truth leaves room to be present to tell me what he’s learning. THAT will allow for us to walk and keep walking the path that was already chosen for us. He is on his journey, and I am on mine and we hold hands in the middle where our lives have intersected. Is that not friendship? The layers will reveal themselves as we continue to be honest with ourselves and each other. What are we? Beautiful souls walking with each other on a deeply personal journey and wanting to share in each other’s lives no matter what. We are support, we are love, we are light, we are energetically matched and we encourage each other to be good to ourselves no matter what. THAT is love, isn’t it?