Knowing When To Say When

Breakups are never easy, especially when the breakup is a friendship but sometimes they are necessary. I think about people who stay in miserable ass marriages and I actually wonder why they do. However, I never judge someone for staying somewhere far longer than they should have because we all have our reasons. I do think though that in the long run, staying past our internal expiration date causes far more harm than good in any relationship. Sometimes we stay because we feel a deep guilt and a worry about that person once we leave their lives and actually, that’s a worry but not a good enough reason to stay. Sometimes we have to say when.

I’m guilty of staying in far too many situations that wear on my heart, head and patience but I do my best to be who I know I would need if I were in their shoes. That is effective at times but if more often than not, I’m walking away asking myself about the validity of this relationship, then the more I get resentful and put distance in between us. I am calm and I like being calm because when I’m stressed, I GET STRESSED!!!!! The anxiety takes over and I feel so unlike myself and then I have to take a major break. I have to take a moment to gather my thoughts and keep my emotions together because being out of alignment is bad for me. My mental and emotional well being trumps anyone else’s when it comes to myself. I will always and I mean ALWAYS elect to put my own oxygen mask on first and then I can be of service to others. I won’t pretend otherwise.

I’ve had friendships dissolve and some hurt more than others. I have not ended many friendships but I feel like the ones that I did, really needed to end. I believe in loyalty and good vibes in friendship. I think that friendships just like relationships take work and require honesty and communication. As long as there is a clear channel of communication and a plan to evolve, things can work well for a long time. I do also think though that a person’s relationship with themselves affects A LOT in their lives. I think that someone who is often less sure about their joy and their well being, that person will struggle in every single relationship. I think that it’s crucial to observe how that type of situation affects me after interacting with them. I like my friendships to feel rejuvenating. I dislike leaving someone and feeling heavy, the need to stay away for a while and not wanting to be near them at all. I feel badly about it but I also don’t like feeling anxious and heavy either.

I realize that my patience for adults is limited and becoming more and more so by the day. I have an even lower tolerance for melodramatic, overly sensitive and manipulative behavior that trigger the shit out of me. I think it is on an individual to work through their own feelings. I do not think that I should be responsible for someone’s hurt feelings. I can be responsible for my actions and I can listen to what is being said BUT while I’m emotional, I also like logic and being firmly rooted in reality. I have never been a person to coddle adults or help them navigate their feelings. Your feelings are yours and you have to be responsible for that. I am not at all interested in figuring out why you’re sad/mad/hurt and even with long conversations sometimes there is no resolution. I can be responsible for me. There have been several occasions when I was hurt by someone’s actions or inactions but I had to check myself first. I had to look at the history, the big picture and instead of just focusing on my emotions, I had to look at the facts too.

I believe in breakups as much as I believe in breakthroughs. I am a damn good friend, a fiercely loyal friend, I ride hard for my people and I’m consistent. I am also a person who has layers, feelings and my reaction to situations catch me off guard sometimes. I don’t even know what I’m feeling and when I can’t figure it out, I table it and put it on the shelf for when I am ready to deal with it responsibly. I sometimes put up an arms length when I’m overwhelmed, anxious and stressed. I often take in a lot of other ppls stuff and very seldom do I dump. That catches up to me at the weirdest times and sometimes I’m just unable to deal with my feelings in real time and I shutdown. But I always come back around and I make sure I am clear with my loved ones, about what happened. I love Triple T because she gets this on an internal level and it doesn’t have to be explained to her. She doesn’t take any of what I do personally and if she feels cold air, she checks in with ME and doesn’t make it about HER. She gets it. I feel ease there and peace there. I also feel reciprocity and never do I feel like I have to defend my actions to her because she’s not looking to be a victim. She’s just checking in on me and knows not everything is a crisis about us. Damn.

That said, I’m going to have some clarifying conversations in the next few weeks. I’m at the end of my rope with certain behavior and actions and I am ready to find a workable solution or say when. If anything life has taught me, is that it’s okay to take a break and it’s okay to want to leave a situation that brings you grief. I’m patient and kind but I have my breaking point and I just don’t have to deal with anyone’s shitty ass behavior. I just can’t take it and I will not. I am saying when!!!!!

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