I have been in the midst of some interesting self introspective ideals about communication and the discoveries are good for my soul. I am responsible for myself, my thoughts, my actions, my communication and my follow up. I am clear that sometimes my best communication is no communication because replying when I am unsure of what to say, can yield to some unintended consequences. Although, I know good intentions pave the way to hell, I also know that even with carefully worded responses and the best of intentions people will feel, react and think the way that they normally think regardless of what is being said. It is clear that while I think some things are worth a response, I feel like some things are not and it does not mean that the person does not deserve a response, but rather, the content in which they want to engage in does not feel right to me.
I can be an over communicator and I realize that happens to me when I am feeling anxious and uncertain. I can also halt communication for the exact same reason. When I am in a good space, it is better for me to say what I am thinking because I would have taken my time to say what was on my mind effectively. I believe that we all respond to situations the way we are trained to and there is no fault in that. I do think though, that some people are manipulative, dramatic, overwhelming and simply too much when they are expecting and orchestrating a certain type of response. I am also of the belief that there are people who find malice and ill will in most situations because of their way of being and that muddies and makes situations messy when we cannot separate our feelings from what is actually happening. I am guilty of that. I have been there and it is exhausting and a mind fuck. It is like being in a self imposed dungeon with the key around my neck, but still thinking that someone is going to come get it and unlock me. It just does not work that way.
I literally find myself, well, I used to find myself stuck in situations where I would be at a loss for words and leaving the other person wondering what happened. I recently found myself in mental quick sand and luckily for me, the other person was patient, kind and mature enough to stick it out and not assume that it was personal nor permanent. They were mature, aware and present enough to say what was on their mind without being accusatory, petty, or emotional. I had to check my own smallness, pettiness, and emotions before things went off the rails. It all comes down to communication and sometimes, being able to say that I cannot communication is just as critical as saying something eloquent and thoughtful. I have to be okay with giving myself space to calibrate, gather my thoughts and say that I will have to get back to you when shit just does not feel right. That is powerful for me.
I pride myself on being able to communicate effectively. Honestly though, sometimes I do fail and do not do as well as I can. I remember that when I am pissed at others and their communication or lack thereof. I give and make room for people to be themselves as they are and as they aren’t and I love them regardless. I have a deep and wide capacity for forgiveness, kindness and overstanding in tough situations. It is as much my responsibility not to assume malice, as it is theirs. It is also my responsibility to hold the space for clarity, compassion, empathy and respect. We are all fighting a battle, and we are all looking to be heard and sometimes when we are wounded, we are not our best selves and the way we communicate hurt may end up causing more hurt, we may not have the language, space or desire to speak out effectively. I get that. I am like that at times, and I am fortunate to have people in my life who afford me latitude, grace, patience, faith, respect and love. That allows me the space to be my best self even when that means taking a step back to self evaluate.
Communication saves lives.