In order to create a new beginning, there has to be a destruction of the old life, old habits and old processes. There has to be a willingness to say “fuck it!” and proceed to burn the old way of being to the ground. The access and way to true love for self and others is by standing in the reasoning and belief of freedom. When you love truly and fully the idea of fear, anxiety and ego will dissipate. The fear of someone leaving us, falling out of love and simply walking away from us is rooted in conditions and ego. The constant worry of being too much or not being enough takes precedence over the space where truth, joy, freedoms, happiness and patience should live. That rigidness and desire to protect ourselves and the need to be the gatekeepers to our heart will keep the ones who wish us ill will out AND it will also keep out those who wish us well. That part really sucks and I’m kinda unwilling to live my life like that.
Anyone can tell me anything about being loved and how to let love into my life. But honestly if I didn’t do the work to let myself purge out the nasty, I couldn’t let anyone near me. There’s a lot to work through as a person when you’ve been battling your own thoughts about being enough or trying not to be too much. I never really overstood how to just simply be. I was in a constant state of needing to stay grounded and being accommodating and bending backwards to prove that I was worthy to be loved. But the trouble with that, is when I try so hard to fit the mold of what I think I should be doing, I lose sight of what I need to make myself whole. What I was doing was molding myself and creating myself in the image of what I thought I should be but not really taking the time to focus on what I need. I lost myself in trying to prove that I was worthy of love but I wasn’t doing myself any favors by being that way.
I had to have a rough patch where I was just sitting with my feelings and my thoughts. I had moments of numbing out and not wanting to feel a thing. But mostly I was feeling such incredible sadness and self doubt about my self worth and really wondering if I was capable of being in a viable, healthy, relationship filled with reciprocity and balance. I really had a moment where I was convinced that perhaps relationships weren’t for me. However, being me and doing the work that do on myself, I knew that thought process was about avoidance. I knew that I was letting myself off the hook and I was absolving myself of the responsibility of healing old wounds that really fucked me up. I had to stop telling myself the lie that I was unworthy, I wasn’t enough, I was unlovable and way too broken to be loved. The problem with that is the fact that I was internalizing the shit that’s happened to me and was making it my fault. I was taking all of the breakups, breakdowns and abusive situations and applying that to the story of my life and making it mean that I did something to attract that to me. It was time to rip that aspect of my life apart and start creating a new beginning.
I know that I’m a different kind of person and my ancestors won’t let me be in a space where I’m just settling for foolishness. I know that there’s a ton to be said about aligning my mind, body and soul to match up. When I’m misaligned and I take the focus away from myself I get caught up in what the world wants. But when I take a step back and I put emphasis on my self love, self work, self respect and just make it about me, I truly become a better person for the ones I’m destined to love. The work is never for others but always for myself. This particular way of destroying what once was is the access to a brand new life. I’ve learned that the purity of loving others starts with the purity of loving myself. It’s also about asking for what I want, knowing I deserve good things and knowing when to walk away. The ability to be direct with myself and also align with my desires is truly a gift. There’s no greater love than self love. Loving myself fiercely, powerfully, boldly and compassionately allows me the room and space to decline the bad vibes. It also allows me to accept when good love is at my door. And it also tells me that even if a person leaves, that was a lesson needed. They came to serve their purpose and then it was time to go.
Love is the answer. Self love. Self joy. Knowing when to pull it all down is important too. I deserve good love.