Have I Ever Been In Love?

Well I don’t know. I’m not sure that I’ve ever actually known love, or had a grown up love because what I now know love to be, the past seems so…fraudulent. It’s not like I was trying to evade love or be pretending to love but I just didn’t really overstand what I was doing nor feeling and I was too insecure to focus on the love but rather focusing on trying to make someone stay. I was really kinda committed to being so accommodating and flexible that I was a caricature and false version of myself, so what I thought I was supposed to be, wasn’t actually me and well, how could that be love? I’m just now getting to the point where I am telling MY most raw truth about who I am AND honestly I’m also at the point where I give the least amounts of fucks about what anyone thinks of me. This love that I thought I NEEDED…WANTED…DESIRED is no longer a thing. This love…this narrative…this burning passion that I have, it absolutely is not for some dude. It’s for me.

But what’s that mean for the ppl I date? Well I’ve been accused of being aloof before BUT I think NOW there’s definitely something to be said about my being aloof. It is a side effect of me giving a fuck about myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my expressions without someone else’s desires outweighing mine. It’s about tending to my own needs and feelings above someone else and stepping back to let people sort out their own feelings, desires and troubles without trying to lend a hand to fix. We all got our shit, our troubles, our burdens and our pain and I can’t do anything for anyone else. My own stuff is more important to me than working through anyone else’s. Sorry not sorry. That said, I believe that it is my duty to myself to say this out loud so no man thinks I’m going to be out here trying to coddle and nurture him. It’s different if we have established a relationship based on reciprocity and a routine of love and honor. It is however entirely different and unrealistic for any dude to expect girlfriend privileges from me. Sorry. Not sorry. I can offer my compassion, honesty and integrity. Nothing else.

I think love for me takes time. The men with whom I have a fond, close, loving and sometimes sexual relationship with are the ones I’ve known for a long long long time. I can hey boyfriend vibes from someone I’m attracted to and have good sexual chemistry with but doesn’t mean I love him. What these men need to learn and kinda get past is that nobody is trying to get them into a relationship. I can’t imagine leaving the solitude of my peace of mind to contend with the bullshit of a dude who doesn’t know himself. Conversations and communication matter incredibly so that no one is confused about what’s on the table. It takes me a little while to warm up to the concept of a long term relationship. I like the idea of it in theory but in reality that shit feels confining and claustrophobic. The whole thing for me is not that I am in absence of love, I am very much full of love BUT I just need time to be there romantically.

I like romance, sure but at the foundation there has to be consistency, integrity, honesty and established trust. That takes time. I am not willing to give that time to any and everyone AND for me it has a lot to do with the chemistry. It’s important to note that sometimes the one who I love to fuck is not the one who is good for my heart. Paradoxically the one who could be good for my heart is absolutely not the one I want to fuck. But i think both of those people could become someone I love with time. I naturally grow into loving my friends and loving ppl who didn’t start as friends but became that way over time. I am good at consistency and growing closer with someone over time. I can be the best version of myself when I have time to grow, learn and build some established feelings. Then I would have also been the most honest and open because there’s no pretense or any object. I’m just genuinely here looking to establish familiarity and friendships. That is the access to me loving anybody. The romance can come after that.

I’m weird as fuck. I am a product of my past. I am sorting and navigating through my stuff. I am introspective and honest with myself so that I can be better and more stable when I decide to share my life with someone. I am not an easy person, I am multilayered and complicated. Just like everyone else. I am not any less or more figured out than anyone else. I am a host of feelings and emotions like everyone else and I’m becoming really familiar with my own personal narrative. As a result I know what works and what doesn’t work, I know what jives and what doesn’t jive. I know what personalities work for me and the ones that do that. I know what longevity in friendships look like and what I’ll give space to. The people who match me know that I’m weird and my weird complements theirs. It’s a beautiful thing to know thyself.

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