I go through phases where I don’t want to talk to anyone about anything or even hang out for that matter. I have times where I just want to take a step back and just be with myself. It has nothing to do with anybody and it has nothing to do with forces outside of me directly, I just really enjoy being incubated sometimes and I really need that when my life seems to be in sensory overload. I just need breaks. However, it seems as though my time with myself sends some people into a tizzy and makes them wonder what they did to me or what is happening in our dynamic, when in fact, they weren’t even a thought. However when they reach out NOT TO SEE IF I AM GOOD but they want to know if we are good and I just keep wondering…why do you assume MY space is about you? In order for me to build resilience over the years, I needed to remind myself that nothing anyone does is because of me AND as grown ups we aren’t into guessing games, so if someone has an issue, they should speak up and if they don’t then keep it pushing. I’m not about babying adults.
I’ve become someone who needs mental and physical space from the world sometimes. I know when I’m headed into a vicious cycle and my brain is fucking with me. I know that these words that I tell myself sometimes are unhealthy and just not what I should be telling myself but it happens. It’s about catching myself and reminding myself that vicious words, even though they are mine, they are not true. I know everyone goes through these lulls and moments of self deprecation BUT it’s a phase that passes and sometimes I don’t think feel like i should have to explain that to adults. Sometimes I just need space to be with myself. That’s really all there is to it. I think about so many things in that space and I reflect on my interactions and generally I love all the people in my immediate circle of love. I don’t ponder or think excessively about anything negative. I’m usually grateful and happy for the people in my life because they make life worth living.
I think about my childhood best friends and sometimes we go months without talking, and maybe even years but when we get back in touch it’s like we pick up where we left off. I honestly am used to these types of friendships. There’s nothing wrong and there’s nothing bad happening and nobody needs someone to coddle them or assure them or mean that all is well, we just carry on with life and come back when we come back. It’s not even taking space from the friendship, but it’s just continuing with our life and living it the best way we know how and that’s really all there is to it. In general, I’m a loner but I can appreciate and do appreciate my very small circle of friends. I am very comfortable being by myself and being in my own head BUT I know that’s not always the most positive thing for me, so I do have a beautiful tribe of people who remind me that I don’t have to do stuff alone. It throws me off and actually makes me want to put real distance between myself and the people who press me about my personal time. I’m talking about the ppl who assume my space is about them and not just inquiring about it from a space of concern for me and not about themselves in our dynamic. It’s an unhealthy way to function and while I do get it, I just don’t have time nor desire to deal with it and I won’t.
At the end of the day, I have a responsibility to communicate to my child when I’m in an incubation phase. She and I are the ones who need to communication AND she can ask me a bunch of times if I’m okay with her because she doesn’t understand just yet about taking mental breaks. But I’m her mom so she will learn but I want her to think of them positively and not a reflection of our dynamic but that I need to self care. I’m still accessible to her whenever she needs me but if she doesn’t really, really need me in that moment then she can give me some time to deal with my stuff. I owe that to her. I owe that to nobody else. The most I’ll do is share that I’m not about that hanging out or talking excessively life or not in the mood to talk in depth. I just want to keep it light and be with myself. That’s all I can get into because some of my thoughts aren’t for public sharing and that’s okay. It takes something out of me to have to coddle or help an adult through their thoughts about my distance and space. I don’t like it. I’d prefer to not have to deal with it. Please don’t make me. I will resent you for it. Give me space and room and I’ll return. Nothing is wrong. I do this.