Truth. I have a vicious cycle of prying closed doors open with all my might and force against the wishes of the universe. BUT see as I keep telling you guys, I’m a trial by fire type of girl so unless my whole body is consumed in flames, I don’t learn my lesson.I think my guides genuinely work overtime trying to save my ass and I constantly disrespect them and myself by peddling backwards. Damn. But I keep learning these lessons that simultaneously bruise my ego and grow my mental and emotional fortitude. It doesn’t actually matter what transpired, what’s more clear is that there’s a consistent theme of no fucks given and a less than courageous person who is loyal to himself alone. I can’t be mad at anyone who is shouting from the mountain tops that their character is iffy and I’m out here trying to be understanding.
There’s actually nothing to get. But I have to talk this shit through. As many times as I have actually thought about going to a mutual space with another person, I don’t because that shit is wack. Yet without regard and thought about our most recent conversations, he played himself and brought someone to my spot. Classic movie shit…..but I didn’t flip out. I won’t. I’m just not going to do it. I observe, feel and push through the feelings. The only way out is through, right? So I’m going to feel the heaviness of the weight on my heart. I’m going to feel jealousy. I’m going to feel my rage. I’m going to feel my tears burn. I’ll feel regret. I’ll feel the lump in my throat. I’ll feel it and allow the feelings to caress me, swirl on my brain, and sit on my exhaling breath as it leaves my body. I have no use for these feelings inside of me. The only way out is through. As the feelings come up, I’m not going to suppress, I’m going to feel and release. We can’t help how we feel but the feelings don’t have to remain the same all day. There is an intellectual part to healing and honestly, I like feeling my emotions and I like thinking through why I feel like that and then transform those feelings into things to work through for my elevation.
This episode is not for him. This growth is not for him. The breakdown and breakthrough is not for him. All of this is for me. All of this hurt and sadness is for me to feel and release. In times of growth and reflection I believe I must be brutally honest with my thoughts. I must be aware and stay sober so I can know what is real and not. Numbing won’t get it done but raw sobriety will do that. I’m not going to fill the hole with food, sex, liquor or someone else. The only thing going to fill this hole and void is me learning the lesson of knowing when to walk away when it is time and stop trying to salvage things that I have no business salvaging. The last time I was in a similar situation it took me a long time to get past it and it was rough as hell but I made it through. But it was rough. It didn’t need to be that way, but obviously I needed to be consumed in flames in order for me to learn. Oy vey!
We will win some. We will lose some. We will learn. We will fail. We will rise. I will lose. I will win. I will fail. I will rise. It is as simple as that. No one has done anything to me, I am simply living out my chapters and the book is just starting to get good. I’m not going to pretend that knowing something in theory is the same as knowing something in practice. Owning my mistakes, my flaws and my hard lessons are a part of my journey. I embrace my life as it is and I will continue to learn myself through all of these lessons. I am love, I am light and everything I am willing to give to others, I’ll give to myself as well. Who I am is someone that is worthy of everything good and I’ll pull that towards me. This self love is far greater than having animosity towards another. The angst I feel towards him and those like him, will be spun into a deep love for myself. I am an alchemist. All my pain will become all my joy. I will it so.