Imagine it. A hot, steaming, stank, nasty, smelly piece of shit with a pretty squeezed out icing that is pink, with sprinkles, decorative, a beautiful bow and even a consolation prize of a cherry on top of all that poop. Yup. So what would you notice automatically? The smell, right? No matter how beautiful that icing looks, and how appealing it may seem, the smell of shit will assault ALL of your senses and the closer you get, is the closer you’ll see that the icing isn’t even a distraction, it actually just highlights the fact that the poop is still fucking poop. This is what the attempt to move forward with an old situation looks like, when the source of the issue isn’t actually addressed. There can be conversations about the fall out, and the repercussions that followed the fall out, but there has to be a beginning of where things went awry. There has to be a come to Jesus conversation about where it all began and there has to be a hard truth told no matter how difficult it is to say.
I am guilty of being accommodating to the point that I sellout on my truth. I have an opportunity to set things straight and sometimes I don’t take it because I’m caught off guard and I go blindly with what is appealing and satisfying to my ego. I am present in the moment but present to what feels good right now, and in the aftermath, I’m like oh…wait…no…this doesn’t make sense. Actually, this doesn’t feel right, actually this actually kinda fucking sucks…fuck…I should have said this. It’s not the end of the world and it’s really not a big deal BUT when we decline to speak our truth, everything in our world because trapped in the silence and that causes rigidity, breakdowns and a need for the words to spill over. Honestly, I think it’s worth it to have an honest fucking conversation about ALL the shit that has to be said in order to make a situation authentic. We pose, posture and front so much sometimes that we do ourselves a disservice by trying to be harder than we really are. Let me say that to myself; you front so hard for who you think you should be, that you sell out on being the best part of yourself, the truest part of yourself and that’s who needs to be present in these situations. That true you and not a facade of who you think you need to be.
I get it. I really do get it and I know what needs to be done in theory. I know what needs to be done in practice too but I just feel like I need some time to incubate and be with myself. I don’t even really feel like my time is worth sharing and being spent having to break down the things that should be overstood based on human decency. However, if I ever want to have a solid friendship and some peace of mind, I’m going to have to speak from my heart. I can do that. I do that well. I’m not scared to do it. I just don’t understand why I haven’t done it before. It’s like I think things will be different but really I’m not different and the circumstances aren’t different…so I’m not exactly sure what I expected. Sigh. But, when we know better, we do better and that is what will happen.
The lessons never stop coming and we as human beings will either learn the lesson or keep failing until we finally get it. It’s not enough to accomplish self preservation one time and think we have surpassed all hurdles. Fuck no. I gotta be consistent as fuck with myself, my boundaries and what I allow to get past my walls and into my rational brain. It is NOT enough that I know this shit in theory. It matters that I actually take my time to do work, access my joy and honor my highest self. Nothing works without integrity AND that includes being honest with the conversations I am having with myself about myself and how I allow others to interact with me. Time is what will make this all make sense but in the mean time, I can spend the time being the best version of myself.