We are all multidimensional beings with many layers that protect our core and our truest self. We accumulate layers over time as we have heartbreaks, breakdowns, betrayals and the recovery from those things. We actively apply our protections and walls either consciously or unconsciously because some how we must still live, continue growing and evolving past our current comfort zones. It is critical for our development and well, sometimes that growth is hard and it hurts but that’s another layer that gets added on and it becomes a part of our story.
My story about love and myself is one that isn’t tragic but it’s been hard and I just have to keep peeling back the layers for myself and for no one else. I actively seek the moment of fun over long term work a lot of the time because sometimes I feel like all I have is that present moment. If anything this dating game has taught me is that a bunch of people can want you, but how many will actually value you? I mean in the very shallow, aesthetically inclined world of online dating, who won’t want to fuck the person they find to be attractive? Shit ain’t nothing profound about men wanting to fuck me. I mean that’s easy as fuck and nothing is flattering about that. That shit satisfies ego but it does nothing for my soul and that’s important. Orgasms are important as hell but mental orgasms are better and soul connections will trump both of those things.
So, what is it that I want from another? I don’t know. But for myself I think I owe it to my soul to have difficult conversations about desire and connection. I have no shortage of people who want to get deeper but I shy away from them because that kind of feeling usually comes from people I don’t feel that deep initial connection with. So basically what I’m saying is if I don’t have the desire to tongue you down and fuck you, it may be hard for me to want to spend time with you on a heart to heart level EVEN THOUGH you could be what my soul needs. So could the one I want to fuck all day, be the same person who can love my soul? It’s possible. But there’s something that happens with the one I’m fucking and I think it’s me not being honest about what I want. But y’all know I struggle with monogamy BUT I guess i would have to be more vulnerable and more truthful as the process goes along.
Time is the shit. Meaning time passing and space being built is necessary for me to really know if I wanna fuck with you in the long run. I look at my almost three year friendship with Mr. Aquarius and man we came far as hell. I love him, he’s one of my favorite people on this planet and I love him with my whole heart and I could never be married to him because we would legit murder each other. Rather, I’ll murder him and he would just ignore me. Lmaoooooo. I’m my best self when I just chill and stop myself for orchestrating what I think should happen. A hard head makes a soft ass. Lmaoooo. I know me, I need growing pains in order for the shit to make sense. It may not be the most productive but at least I’m real with my shit. I can appreciate this dude because as much as I calll him out, he definitely does the same. I hate hard conversations but I love hard conversations. It makes us better. It makes me better.
You gotta stick around to get to know me. Not everyone will get that privilege. I’m special like everyone else. It’s an interesting experience getting to know me because I’m learning my damn self. I’m compassionate and I lead with empathy but push me too far and I’ll turn up in ways I didn’t know was possible. I am not just one thing and I can only be true to me but I also will never try to hurt anyone on purpose…within reason. Ha. I’m a person, a human being with feelings and I can only be me. Take me or leave me. That’s that.