Today was one of those days where if it could go wrong, it would go really wrong. So much went wrong today, so many errors, so much miscommunication and a ton of breakdowns that were beyond my control. It happens. The sun rises, the sun sets and we start over anew. My life consists of extremely high highs and lows but not rock bottom lows, but lows nonetheless. I am so conscious of energy because I can feel it when it is flowing through my body, I can feel others moods and lately I haven’t taken a moment to feel my own energy. I am generally happy but I’ve been anxious, I haven’t been sleeping, I am concerned and I am more guarded than ever. It is hard for me to relinquish my walls and my protective shield around my heart because this world is terrifying. When you allow someone in, even for a little bit of time and they decided to back out for whatever reason, I can help but feel like maybe I’m just tainted and maybe I have way more lessons to learn before I am able to get what surrender means.
I am okay with sitting with my heavy heart and just reflect on the problem areas. I have solutions and I see the light for most of these issues, I just need to activate them and get past the pain. I know. But I’m okay with sitting in silence and navigating through my stuff. I also know that the world is affecting me. I am caught in this cycle of watching IG news and there’s so much grief on my timelines. I can feel all of it and I’m thinking maybe it’s time for another break. I take breaks from social media on occasion because the images and the stories are too much for me sometimes. I think it’s important to take time to decompress and to filter out the negative vibes. A break from the phone and more time in nature, loving the woods, getting energy from the rivers and just feel the energy of my ancestors flow through me.
There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not broken nor even bent out of shape. I’m unfocused, out of balance and I have to recalibrate my mind, body and soul. I need a recharge and a refresh because I’ve been going and going and going and I haven’t stopped to catch my breath. Silence is my friend. I mean silence with just my laptop, in the woods, writing about how I’m feeling. Or if I want to keep it old school I can just grab my journal and just write about what’s going on in this mind. I am my best when I can write because it’s my most pure form of expression. My writing is what frees me from overthinking, from suicidal thoughts, from anxiety and from lying to myself. It is the access to the most authentic parts of me EVEN on bad days. There are no bad days, just days where things didn’t go as smoothly as they could, but the next day is an opportunity for it to be a lot better. I get that and I’m grateful. The thing that I’ve learned in this life, is that all things, no matter how fun, solid, enjoyable and real it feels, must end. There are some adventures that last far longer than others BUT for the most part, they all end. I used to resist endings and try my hardest to hold on for dear life AND none of that was ever worth it. If a situation is meant for you, you’ll have it and when it’s done, the chapter will close and you’ll that too. It happens. It doesn’t suck, it’s just a part of the lesson and the blessing.
I could be crushed right now, but I’m not. It’s not because I don’t care but it’s because I’ve had to endure far more crushing things and I’d that didn’t kill me, then this is something you just move past. I am thankful for the lesson and the blessing in this situation and al the other ones as well. My life is a series of hills and valleys and I’m okay with that. I enjoy my highs so much and I’m learning to sit with my lows, feel my lows and count the ways in which the lows are humbling and pushes me to pay attention to what I’m thankful for AND what lesson I should be paying attention to. I can only show up as myself. I can only be who I am and I’m going to suck, I’m going to face resistance and I’m going to have to prove myself to others. I get it but not at the expense of happiness, joy or sanity. Sorry but you will have to take me as I am, and be okay with my learning process and stand for my greatness. I can’t and won’t ever convince anyone to stay in my life. Nah…either you want to or you don’t. No one will force you. Today sucked a bit BUT the son has set, and tomorrow I’ll start anew.