As I’m super reflective of my joy lately, I know I couldn’t have had it or experienced it fully without being fucking sad, crushed and heartbroken. Man, I’m so damn glad that these ain’t shit dudes hurt my feelings and made me cry. My tears, my sadness and my hurt feelings made me stronger and made me acutely aware of what really and truly I should never accept and what boundaries I need to set up so I can walk away with my heart and dignity in tact. It’s absolutely a part of life to deal with hurt feelings and discover who is worth your time and who isn’t. It is a shame that I have to learn this way BUT trial by fire is something that I’ve always needed for my life, and well that’s just what it has to be, for me to learn.
My encounter with my first new situation back in March cracked me right open. He was necessary for soooooooooo much and I really needed that lesson in order to get to where I am now both in career and my dating life. I needed all that to go the way it did so I could see what was acceptable and what wasn’t. I needed to learn my lesson in stepping back, letting things breathe and watching for integrity and honesty. If it was there, it would present itself and that would be that. I’ll always be grateful for a lesson, even if it was hard, painful and sucked more than I wanted it to, it was still what was needed. That’s absolutely fine and perfect for what the situation called for and I also had my own lesson to learn and I had to check myself and assess my own bullshit. I have power over myself and that’s all I’m responsible for, the rest is on them. I don’t have to sit at the table where love isn’t being served. No one told me I had to be a martyr. I will not be one.
I’d be a fool if I allowed my life to be dictated by what others did to me. My gauge and my temperature on things, is based on how I felt and how interactions made me feel. Those things are tough when I don’t want to take responsibility for my role in allowing bullshit to continue. It’s a hard thing to face yourself when you’re not ready to face yourself. But I’ve had way too many stupid ass situations to continue making the same errors and not learning from them. I can’t do anything about someone else’s bad behavior BUT I damn sure can choose how much is enough and when I can finally just stop allowing bullshit to dictate my life. I have the power to say enough and I also have the right to speak my mind and find closure so that I can move past the situation powerfully. I’m thankful for the growing pains and the lesson in going with the flow. I am thankful that I know that I have to stop myself from leaning in when people say that they are figuring themselves out. I am learning to worry about myself and not worry about someone else’s feelings when they absolutely give no fucks about mine. I would rather give myself all the fucking energy that I would have given to a dude who would have squandered that shit anyway. My love, affection, and intimacy is not for free and you cannot and will not get it without reciprocity. You want my light? My warmth? My soft parts? Earn that shit then. The assholes and ain’t shit dudes taught me that. Nothing about my essence will be given to someone who isn’t ready, deserving or worthy. Match my vibration and we can talk. Until then, love yourself and I’ll love me.
Stop giving loving affection and light to paupers who cannot give you anything back. Good sex and a day of fun doesn’t warrant all my joy. It warrants a day of good sex and fun. Period. We match and that’s all I can offer. A match of your energy. The assholes taught me that.