I have a bunch of contrasting thoughts in my brain and I cannot really choose a topic so I figure I should just put out what is in my brain and take it from there. I am thinking about the ways in which marriages are falling apart these days. Husbands and wives living together but living separate lives. I know that experience and it is insane, like I would take the drama, anguish and roller coaster of a hot and passionate love story over being in a marriage that lacked love, direction and contentedness any day. I feel like it is am injustice to anyone to live a life with marriage vows that are not being honored. I get that people grow apart and we accumulate things together, memories, children, friends and all the stuff that people gather when they are together for years, but when does the tide turn where we just grow so far apart that our lives become solitary? I think of my own marriage and the way it fell apart, and I know I became absolutely withdrawn and I refused to come out of myself because past a certain point, it is not worth it to me. I am someone who thrives on honest, and clear cut communication with resolutions and actions steps put in place. In the event that all parties aren’t doing what they said they will do, then why the fuck should I? I believe that my passion is directly associated with being safe, having a safety net and knowing that I am in a partnership that is built on reciprocity, honesty and a commitment to being better daily and coming together to grow and learn and breakdown and breakthrough. That did not happen.
I know that it is not a thing that happens from one day to the next. There however has to be a thought that is planted and grows into something that promotes separation and a need to leave mentally. We often leave mentally before we ever physically leave. MY thought to leave was “This situation is unsafe. There is no trust here. I am not at peace. There is no peace.” The moment that I have come to those series of thoughts and there is no physical evidence of anything becoming better, or any verbal acknowledgement of things being better, then it is over for me. In the event that I cannot put my trust in you and there is no ease, then there is no point to even continue going further for me. I am reliable as fuck, I am punctual, I honor my word and I do not flake at all, and if I am not going to be able to honor my word, I will let you know. A lot of fucking people are flaky as fuck and they do not honor their words, and they are unreliable. In my experience a lot of the world is like this, which is why I hold most people at a distance and I watch their actions, and take note of how they are with the commitments and obligations in their lives, and I base my entire interaction with them around what I think they are capable of giving me. I will be damned if I ever in my life put my trust in anyone fully because I feel like people can barely get through their own lives without falling apart, so how the hell do I expect them to be able to honor their commitments to me?
This is not a cynical way of being and thinking, but it is just based on what I have seen played out in the world. I literally want to give people a chance to be off the hook because I do not want anyone to be more stressed than they already are. NOW, this way of being will not get me far if we are talking romance and marriage. It takes A LOT of fucking room to trust someone enough to let them love you fully and be the best they can be. I am writing this and I am having heart palpitations because what I am suggesting is not only terrifying but I cannot fathom how something like that is actually real. You mean to tell me that someone out here in this world can love me at my best, worst and all the crazy shit in between? Someone out here could love ME and continue to love me as I am and our love can grow deeper and I encourage them to be better and therefore improve their lives, and while they are organically growing into a better person, they want to love ME? LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Stop it. I am sorry, but I just do not think this way, my faith in humanity, my trust is other people is absolutely non existent and I love enough for both of us, I think enough for both of us, I am strong enough for both of us BECAUSE I do not believe someone can love ME like the way I love, I am talking about intensity, commitment, dedication and passion. I do not think this exists and I guess that is my problem. I am constantly in a state of trying to occupy my heart and the space in between with my own fullness but in reality it is my own absence of hope, peace, joy, patience and courage because I do not actually want to feel the feelings of no control, the feeling of letting go, the feeling of being my own savior BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE LOVE and allow people to LOVE me without playing a role in the situation. Like that part of my life is unscripted and I hate it, but I need to make the room for it to exist. Damn. How?
Oh my god. I mean I been knew this. I know. I been known. Fine. The breakthrough would live in me chillin the fuck out. Have fun, be easy and you know, be light about the whole thing. Fuck. I need to write here more before I actually tell this to people because I know I am dense and intense as fuck, so I gotta learn to dial the shit back because I will never get to the depth that I want to get to if I just spill all the shit off the top. Like damn why extend all this energy on someone who may just wanna fuck? Stop it . Like literally, stop the fucking madness. I gotta do better. I have to resolve the fact that I need to make room to be loved in a way that makes it possible for people to do it their own way, AND while I can tell MY TRUTH, I have to give them room, space and time to get to their own because what I want from love is all the things I give myself AND I have to allow others to arrive there, but honor their ways of being, and their commitments the best way that they possibly could. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. That is hard as fuck. I hate it. But I gotta do it. I gotta give room and space for the shit to grow in a way that I can be surprised, I can be happy and at the same time not lose my shit because the script is not going the way I wrote it. Got it. I been knew all this shit. I need to live it. I need to be in the space of the flow and allowing the universe to move effortlessly. I do too much. I just literally do too much. It needs to stop. I am going to stop.
I needed this free write because all the shit that I thought was happening outside of me actually was not. I am just wrestling with my own ideas of acceptance, belonging, being kept, tribes, shifting spaces and growing. I am in the throws of the growth and expansion and it feels fucking weird. I am outgrowing my box and it is growing so quickly that I feel exposed and I feel like I have not found my footing, but in reality I am exactly where I need to be. I was good in my space because I had become the QUEEN BEE in that space, but I have lived enough life to know that life is a cycle, and no one stays the queen, because when you outgrow that space, you die and you become an infant again, to learn something new is to learn as a baby would. The whole thing is new, and each space is unexplored and it is up to me to grow and to expand and listen, but also be bold, be brave and be willing to fall down but still get up, laugh and enjoy all of the growth and expanding. Right? You cannot be a QUEEN BEE if you are unwilling to be a worker bee. Like that shit does not make sense. I am in the beginning of something else and I am uncomfortable, but like I keep saying I am going to feel ALL my feelings, I am going to feel all that I need to feel about this shit BECAUSE this is what passion feels like. This is what being alive and being on the rollercoaster feels like BECAUSE it is unpredictable and I love that. That is what I need and what I will do constantly to live this life of mine. The fire, the passion, the yumminess of this life is about the fire and I will find no fire if I stay in the same spaces and constantly think the thoughts I keep thinking. I am powerful, I am joyful, I am audacious and honestly I needed the reminder.