I been thinking and thinking and what if I had married that guy, the one I been thinking about, the one who has been my friend since 1998, the one who has been a gentleman the entire time, kind, considerate, loving, attentive, supportive and the best friend a girl could ever ask for? What if I had married him? What could my life have been like? Would we still be married? Would he still be one of my best friends? Would we be as close as we still are? Yikes, the thought freaks me out and I had not really ever considered him in a romantic way because he is JUST my friend and well now, that time for us has passed but I am thinking about it because I started to talk about it out loud and as you know my brain and mind work against my fucking sensibilities sometimes and well here I am questioning that shit. What would life have been? I never want to get involved talking to my male friends about their relationships unless I am moving everyone forward, but I cannot ask HIM anything now because it would not be for the right reason. I would be asking selfishly, and I know the answers to all the questions I want to ask because he is my friend and I know his heart and I know his emotions and I know what happiness looks like, and I am not sure I see it BUT he would NEVER say because he would say the happiness of his children and his wife are paramount and take precedence over his happiness. I love him for that, that is who he is as human being. He is a caretaker, he is the one who people turn to, I just worry about him because I do not know who he has.
I could say he has me. He has me, he knows he has me but like I am saying in this moment, I am not entirely sure that my heart is in the right place. I do not know the intricate details of his marriage, but I CAN say that our friendship shifted after he met his wife. I am not salty about it. I AM SALTY ABOUT IT but not because she took him from me, but I do not know if she gave him the joy that he deserves. Like, is she making him so happy that his life is on fire? Is she excellent for his heart and his well being? Are those things important to him? He doesn’t ever complain, he does not ever make a fuss, he never has anything bad to say about anything or anyone and it is crazy. Who can live life like this? He can, and who am I to question that with my curious ass thoughts and ways of being that may not aligned with his own priorities? I had so much time to think about he and I lately and I love my friendship the way it is. I am unwilling to lose another friend because of crazy frivolous thoughts AND I honestly believe in the saying that someone else’s man IS NOT your soulmate. I hear that. We had our high school years to play out a relationship scenario, and the moment never presented itself. So that’s that.
I need to to write this here and I will probably share this with him because I need to get this off my chest but I do not want to talk about it. I do not want to put any of this shit out in the world because life has a funny way of putting you in scenarios that will test your values, ethics and seeing if you are going to have integrity about what you said you would or would not do. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! My god….i can literally scream because I have to say something but there is nothing to say. I can say so have you ever thought about us? Ever thought about a life we could have had? Like these questions are fucking stupid because I had not really thought about that shit until recently BECAUSE some ppl peeped a little bit of energy between us. I am like nahhhhh, that is my friend. Yo I was not cute in high school, I was a nerd, I was mad awkward and there is no way I could finesse any type of any relationship under any circumstances because I was mad insecure. I am a different human being now. Duh. He is too. Also, the circumstances do not make room for us to do anything together. It is not workable at this time. Talking about it is a trap and the life we could have had is a thing of the past.
But like what if he said he was getting a divorce? Or what if he said his marriage as loveless? What if he said that he wanted to live a life where he was happier? What if he said he was there just to be a good dad? I dunno. What if, right? There would be a moment where I would not know what to do with that information. I literally would just be silent. I can do better when he tells me things are good. Because I am just thinking about us because it is a new thought. It makes my heart race. My mom, and his mom would lose their minds because I think they secretly wanted that this whole time. But ummm, I love my friend. I love how he loves humanity. I love how he takes care of everything always and I just want him to have his best life. I am not sure that I could be that or he and I would be happy if we did anything more than friendship…but what if?