I have been searching for a place where I can rest my stuff down permanently. I say stuff and I mean all of the things that make my heart heavy, the things that terrify me, the secrets that are wrecking me, and all of the horrible things that circle my head and heart, I want to put those things somewhere outside of myself and I’ve yet to find one. I have looked and I’ve tried to open and share but there is a certain level of pain and a level of darkness that brings about a similar force that matches the intensity. I have hope and I have a desire that I will find a place that feels like home, and I yearn and long for that place because carrying around these things that I have are really becoming heavy and too much. I don’t really care for the comparison of what others may do to deal with their burdens, all I know is that I want to lay mine down and breakdown why each of those things have tarnished my soul but still tell the story of how I survived. But I am actively seeking a space, a human being, someone else who will love me so much that they will allow me to rest my burdens, troubles, sorrows and weakness because they value the triumphs, joys, strengths and all the benefits of what makes me shine. I want someone who wants to overstand all of me and stay long enough to peel back the layers.
My home as a kid was the house I shared with my momma and my granny. My other house was my grand’s house but I never actually felt at home there. I enjoyed myself but I wasn’t whole there. The more I grew, the less I felt any sense of belonging. When my mother immigrated and I was left with family, I felt homeless and not for lack of a physical home but a lack of overstanding. I have been without a home since I was 11 years old. I have found things inside of me, and made amends and connected the dots inside of my heart, my mind and my brain but I haven’t ever found that space, that place, that connection outside of me in ways that I show all of me. I’ve tried but the way my life is set up and the way humanity is set up, I just don’t think that kind of overstanding is physically possible on this earth. I know it sounds dramatic but I feel like it is true. I’ll say picture someone who is open and on an adventure, seeking, finding and making true connections along the way. I do connect and I have incredible highs and there are lows but in general I’m just walking, sleeping under the stars, feeling raw weather systems because there is no real shelter but I embrace it all. The thing though is while I’m weather resistant, eventually it all starts to breakdown and there comes a point where all of the things I’ve collected, the stories, the secrets, the rise and the fall and the ebb and the flow, all of those things just kinda spill over and I’m tired. I want to find the space, the person, the people who can just get me and I mean really get ME. I’m not talking about benefiting from me or enjoying the light that I have and basking in my glow, I am talking about the person who bathes and dives deep into my depths, does not drown, nor flinch nor is shook up and they just get me and want me as I am. That’s what I want for myself.
I am a superb getter of people. I can connect, zone in and feel the light and the darkness and just get it. I’m not judging anyone’s story, I simply hear it and I get it. I want to be gotten on a level that is multi layered. I want to be able to allow myself to open, tell my truth and not feel immediate regret. People say they want depth and they want to explore and they want to go deep, but I share and I mean really share and they retreat. I keep saying that I may as well just keep telling my story and keep sharing my truth because either motherfuckers gonna stay or they won’t but the fucking story needs to be told. I’ve yet to meet any man who can hang and actually stay. Don’t tell me you want something real but then when the shit gets real, you can’t hang. I’ve had so many of those that I’m surprised when people get past a few layers. The world is in such distress and I feel like people are having a hard time finding their own light, so I know it’s hard to even embrace someone else’s darkness. I get that. I know that for myself I have to keep that porch light on for the one who vibes with me and for me. I think many men like the idea of me. I am many things and I can fit neatly into boxes on the surface. However when you peel me back and you really get me to talk, and really share my insights and ideas and frame of mind, it’s not really the average shit. It’s intense. I know. I am not mad at anyone who isn’t up for this challenge. I get it and I’m sad about it but maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Will there ever be a place that is home for me? I don’t know. Nowhere has ever felt like a place in which I am completely at ease. Will there be a person who feels like home? I’ve had a few who felt that way but that doesn’t last but still, I’ve felt what it could feel like and it’s amazing. But I wonder if anyone, anywhere feels completely gotten and comfortable? Are there people who find home and wholeness in others? What’s it feel like on a long term scale? Is it incredible? But is it devastating when it breaks down and you are evicted? I am so worried that a deep heartbreak may kill me. Honestly, the way that I give of myself and give love is something that I have no control over and I do it so richly and without restraint that it looks and feels insane to someone else. Sometimes they can hang but most times they cannot. The most recent time I’ve felt home, was unexpected and brief like always. The glimpse of that was so beautiful but the absence of it fucking sucks. But it’s the absence that I’m very used to. That feeling of wandering in the desert, following my true north but still not really stopping for any rest. I am very easily okay with my adventure and taking in the lessons AND I do find an oasis on occasion. However, my everyday self is nomadic, I’m like a gypsy, full of magic and the ability to connect with anyone, at anytime and anywhere but I have no home.
I suspect I’ll find home when I transition into the afterlife. I do not think I’ll find the respite and peace I seek on the earth, and in this life. I have no doubt I’ll find more oasises than most ppl get in a lifetime BUT I don’t think I’ll find a home. It doesn’t feel that way, it doesn’t mean it won’t happen but I just don’t think that’s a thing that will happen for me. But, I won’t stop being open to the possibility of finding a place to rest me finally unpack.