An Open Letter To Everyone Who Has Ever Thought About Suicide

Dear Loved One,

I know your days have been dreary and you can feel no relief nor joy in any of the things that you do. Your days are really long, not just long but filled with reasons why leaving would be far better than staying. You imagine your life and the people in it would be better and happier when you are gone because compared to others, you just don’t feel nor see the same amount of love coming back to you. You do your hardest to give out the good, kind and positive vibes but that seems to be futile because people are still cruel, still mean, still negative and you feel all of the effects of the negativity. Why you? There comes a point where you actually don’t feel the negative things anymore and you feel nothing. You feel the bottom of your pain, the part where every single fuck you had has run out and you lay in bed, do your chores, commit your acts of routine and then you just exist. You are a shell of yourself and you just lay at the bottom of your pain and you fade further and further away from the things that make you feel like a person and despite glimpses of hope, you cannot shake the feeling of being invisible and unimportant.

I am sorry that you are feeling this. I know this feeling. I still periodically feel this feeling because I look at the things people have done, the cruel and heartbreaking things that have been done and I wonder what it is about me that made them want to hurt me that badly? I question my worth, my value and my existence because the pain and the deafening silence in which they chose to execute upon my soul is something that I cannot even imagine sharing with anyone. The way in which people have spoken to me and the things that have been done with deliberate intention is just downright nasty and I wonder what I did to deserve that? But what I know from the work I’ve been doing is that people are not responding to us, in fact it really has little to do with us. People are responding to their own experiences, their own sadness, their own darkness, their own absence of light and they are projecting their inner demons outwardly. Many people who try so hard to belittle and undermine others are in contention with the nasty parts of themselves spilling over. Bullies of all ages are small people who really hate what they are on the inside and act it out daily on the playgrounds, boardrooms and anywhere else where they assert their power. These people are small, they are hurting and you have to find a way to have your light be brighter than their shade.

More importantly, what I want you to know is that everything you could ever want and need is right inside of your soul, heart and mind. The things that you love about humanity are the things that grow inside of you. The light that you admire in others is right inside of you. The energy that you seek to be stronger, wiser, and better lives within every single affirmation and action that you decide will elevate your soul. You have to change your mind, you have to do activities that heal your soul, you have to surround yourself with people who will give you life and affirm you. But most importantly you must affirm yourself. You must do the work to feel better than you’ve been feeling. You have to heal your body, spend time in nature, you have to heal your mind, spend time telling yourself positive things, you have to heal your heart, give love to others and give love to yourself because those actions really matter. The action of loving yourself is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. Loving yourself despite your flaws, despite your pain, despite your desire to die, you are so much stronger than your loudest and darkest demon. You are better. You are stronger. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for and I will remind you as much as I can but it doesn’t matter if you don’t remind yourself.

I love you at your darkest. I love you at your brightest. I love when you are great and I love you when you are awful. I love you in-spite and despite everything that you think about about yourself. In my eyes you are beautiful, you are a gift to my life and I’m so glad that you are here and you’ve transformed and healed me in ways you’ll never know. I am so grateful for the ways our lives have intersected and I would be crushed if you left this earth. I need you to stay with this world because who you are is love. Who are you for yourself? Who are you when you think of your contributions? Who are you when you reflect on everywhere you’ve been and the impact you’ve had? You are not just your shadows. You are your light and I see your light and I want you to start feeling it too. I’m being selfish because I care about you winning and being greater than your smallest self. You are better for living your life and you’ll continue to be better because you would have been bent out of shape but you won’t break. There is a warrior and a fighter in you and I’ll help you wake that part of yourself up. But I am here to swim in rough waters with you, I’m here to weather hurricanes and I’m here to push past the pains and the breakdowns with you because you deserve that love. You deserve that light and you deserve to know that your life is worth fighting for at every turn. I love you. I love you. I love. Please stay. We love you. We need you. I need you.

With love,

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