Sigh. I didn’t think I wanted to acknowledge what was happening when it was happening. I was in the present moment of getting through and working through the pain and sadness but I don’t think I really acknowledged what I’d lost. I was focused on healing and moving past the current moment but I hadn’t really allowed myself to feel the deep sadness and sorrow that was facing me in the moment. Well y’all, I had a come to Jesus moment yesterday and it was rough. It could be that I was processing some deep stuff that my bff was dealing with but I also really got present to my own pain. I think, no I really felt the pain of a broken heart and disappointment with the way a situation ended. Stallion hurt my heart, he straight up and down wrecked my feelings and disappointed me in every single way that he feared that he would.
This man gave me an excellent birthday celebration the night before and into the morning of my birthday. It was good, really good, so deliciously, tantalizingly, amazingly good and I was in paradise. I didn’t want to leave and I wanted to hold on and freeze that moment in time because a part of me always felt like each time was the last time with him. Things were always too unpredictable and I never truly felt as if he was ever fully all in, so I always braced myself for him to back out or just cancel. I was ready for that to be the case. But that night happened to be great. As he was driving me home and we held hands and I looked into his eyes I felt his sincerity. I felt like he’d also had a good night but I also felt his exhaustion. I felt his tiredness and his need for sleep and a respite. He needed to rest and focus on his job and his child and himself. I felt that. Yet he didn’t say any of this. He kissed me sweetly the way he does each and every time, then he said I hope you have a happy birthday and I’ll see you tonight at the spot. That was 13 days ago. I haven’t spoken to him since, not a word, not a text, not a carrier pigeon, not a telegram, not a tweet, not a DM, not a smoke signal, not a bat signal, no death notice, no bail bearing, no funeral arrangements nothing but silence.
Yesterday I got present to how fucking horrifying and mean that is for someone to awaken my heart like that, take time, care, pour effort, time, money and energy into someone only for them to disappear as mysteriously as they came. He lacked the respect, courage, courtesy and LOVE to tell me he was unable or didn’t want to see me. He didn’t have to guts to tell me that what we were doing was too much for him, it was too much and he wanted out. Instead he chose to disrespect our friendship and feed me deafening silence and no compassion. He left me wondering about his well being and his heart on my birthday. He left me with nothing to grasp at except the morning after serious love making and a promise he was never ever going to fulfill on and that is not okay. He was every single bad thing he told me he would never be. He warned me so much about him not wanting to hurt me that I should have read that to mean that he was going to do it and I should have dipped when I had the chance. I chose to love him and allowed him to be in my world because he felt like home. I felt safe and he, in those moments actually felt the connection but in reality I had no place in his life.
I’ve been wondering if maybe he has a girlfriend and he saw me when she was away. Or some other explanation about why he would dip off for so long. He baffled me and confused me and opened me up in ways I forgot I could be opened. I’m happy about all the things I learned from being opened by him. Either way he has been a lesson and he’s been a blessing. He taught me a lot about what I want and damn sure don’t want. He’s taught me about believing ppl when they show you who they are and stop trying to save people who don’t want saving. But he was an unexpected and a delicious surprise. He was the best parts of what this life is and he was the worst parts of what life can be. That’s how I know I gave a fuck. I was really fucking sad and devastated by the way he treated me. I didn’t expect nor deserve that shit and I hope that my words, my eyes, and my essence is weighing on his conscience. I hope in moments of regret I’m one the first people on his mind and I hope he finds a way to make that shit up to me. I hope that when he sees me unexpectedly he gets really sad and hurt because he is reminded of all he gave up. I hope that he feels the effects of his lack of respect, lack of love, lack of integrity and lack of kindness when he’s reflecting on this life he’s been given to do the right thing. I hope he never has to deal with a man acting the way he has with me towards his own child. But, the sins of fathers fall on children, so I’m guessing she may feel the karma of her dad’s sins. Sad but that’s the bed he made.
I’ll always be okay. Always. Each and every time I’m going to dust my motherfucking self off and rise higher than I was at before. I’m going be better and stronger and wiser than before and for all that I’m grateful. I wish that I wasn’t writing this nor thinking about how tough this has been BUT at least I now know that even deep pain can’t last forever. I mean I knew that but still, I really wanted him to be my last date ever but the universe had other plans. I ain’t mad. I’m going to continue praying for him, sending him good vibes and thinking of him in the sweetest ways. I have no desire for revenge or making him feel anything painful. I want nothing from him. I wish him love, light and peace. An apology would be great but I won’t hold my breath. He hurt me. I healed myself. The sun rise and sets. No one died.