No matter how much self work, seminars, deep breathing, meditation, yoga or any of that other stuff we do to make ourselves balanced, grounded and full of light, there will be days when none of that shit will work. There are days like today where the voices deep from within are my loudest opponents. Days like this where I question every single thing about my life, my importance, my value and my worth not to myself but to others. I’m reflecting on quite a few separations that have occurred this year, both voluntary and involuntary and I am disappointed in the way people who I used to have close relationships with have shown up or not shown up. I am disappointed by the way things are in the aftermath and the ease it seems like people have with me leaving their lives. It really makes me wonder if people ever really even cared at all.
Talking to Coach Mama helped me unpack my own 0-7 and 7-14 trauma and drama surrounding my own ideas about love, acceptance, abandonment, promises and disappointment. I understood the concepts and the realities of disappointment in dealing with my dad. My dad and I are in a good place now because of the aforementioned shit in the above paragraph. However, like I said no matter how much work I do, there’s always that little child in me that wondered why I wasn’t more important than his fears? Why wasn’t I more important than his ego? Why wasn’t I more important than his pride? Why couldn’t he just honor his word and have some integrity? Why not? Those aren’t questions for me to answer because they lie with him. And his reasoning for all that is his alone and that’s why I can be cool with my dad now despite the questions I’ve had BUT it does trigger some shit in me when I watch how people operate and move without integrity and not honoring their word and what they said they would do.
I literally sit here and while I’m not crying right this second and I don’t think I’m going to cry I just keep wondering why I am the one to always take the high road? Then it dawned on me that no one told me that I had to do that. I don’t have to figure out anything with anyone. I don’t have to give anyone insights. I don’t, right? But like what happens if they never lean in? What happens if they never make the move to come for me? What happens if I’m not the one to follow up and they don’t follow up? Does the whole thing just die? Shouldn’t I fight for what I want? Shouldn’t I put some integrity in the situation and make sure that everyone honors their own role? Shouldn’t I…nah son. I shouldn’t do shit. I’m present to the fact that I’m tired as fuck in the emotions department. I do too much unnecessary heavy lifting in so many areas. I do way too much leaning in and communicating and making shit work only to be left still feeling unappreciated, devalued and finding ways to be on the mend. I think the assumption is that I’ll be aight. I will be aight and this is true but how many more damn wounds can the light shine through before I am really just all light? How much more patching up and putting myself together can I do before I’m just a puzzle of broken pieces?
Tomorrow will be better or maybe Monday or maybe next week will be a lot better for me. Today though is difficult and I’m managing real anger, and I’m thinking about all the things that make me wack, unworthy and undeserving of what I need. I am in a funky heart space and it’s not because I’m heartbroken but it’s because I’m tired of the redundant narrative. I am absolutely sick of this space and as I would tell anyone, then change that shit. I can’t operate the way I’ve been operating because it doesn’t work. There’s no self love in working his hard. I cannot possibly put anyone’s shit before my own because that person hasn’t earned shit. I cannot give of my love, my energy, my goodness to someone who doesn’t even know what the fuck they can do in their own heart. There is no villain here. The same with my dad or my mother, no one did anything that their heart and minds couldn’t handle at that time. Everyone is functioning where they are at that time and well, I have to do the same. I HAD room for a little give. I had room for a little bit of leaning in but right now, in this space, at this moment as much as I want what I want, I want my sanity, peace and self love wayyyyyyyyyyyyy more. I want my Peace way more. I want my joy way more and I don’t want anything from anyone who doesn’t have their all to give. Just nah.
I wonder what people will say about me when I die. Was I important? Did I make a difference? Did I transform the planet in an important way? I think that’s what’s missing. I think I need to hear and see what this person is thinking regarding who I am to them. I think what I really want to know or to feel is that I am more than just this phase or moment or ideal. I want to be wanted even when they don’t know how. How does that even happen? I just have to step back. I just need the space for myself to grow and continue growing. I need the room to by solo and stand in my power because I am tired as fuck y’all. I have so much love to give and I will give it freely but I’m exhausted. I can’t and won’t let one person fuck with my flow. I can love someone and leave them alone. I can know what my future looks like with them and still keep them at a distance presently. There’s way too much space being taken up in my head and my heart by someone who has not earned their place. This is the fucking eviction. They gotta go.