When the absence of love has been stained on your brain and your heart for some time you adjust to life without it. You become comfortable with the absence of the very thing that can save, free and crack you wide open because that is what’s safe for now. You tell yourself that you do not need to feel so deeply nor lose your mind because you’re so deeply connected and in awe of another being. You keep the butterflies, the phone calls and the desire to reach out at bay because if you were to cross that threshold into what love can do, there’s no telling what that could do to you. To live with the absence of love means that you’ll swipe right, swipe left and maybe you’ll find some connection. You’ll even convince yourself to go on a date and hey, it may lead to something more. However, you know it seldom does, it doesn’t go further because even though this person may be cool, they don’t seem cool enough to break out of your cautionary and high fortress that surrounds your achy heart.
All that is good until you meet someone that makes the hair on your arms stand up. It’s all fun a games until this person looks into your eyes and it’s like they can read every prose, verse and poem written on the lines of your soul. They touch your skin and you’re instantly taken back to a time when loving someone was all that you wanted. Their touch evokes a feeling of warming affection and it makes you shudder with fear because how could someone so unassuming and unsuspecting navigate through your walls and dance in your heart space? It’s like they knew every code and password and they propelled over each wall with ease as your ego flips the fuck out and tries to grasp at some semblance of order, to no avail. This person finally kisses your lips and every single thing you’d told yourself about being blocked off and guards starts to melt like candle wax doing its best to illuminate an entire room. The kiss sends waves through your body that wake up your brain, mind, soul and carnal aspects. Your heart flutters and you are excited mixed with a desire to vomit and runaway. That feeling of losing control is terrifying but incredible and you pinch yourself because you cannot believe that this person who you didn’t expect is dancing an incessant dance on your brain cells and you like it.
I’d say the real test that you’re losing your mind and could possibly be breaking the vow of never the fuck again with your ego is when you make love. The love making is the words that cannot be spoken because what is being felt is indescribable. The feeling of merging bodies is a sacred act of prayer and it’s an act of unlocking parts of yourself that you forgot you’d had and parts become released that you didn’t know existed yet. To make love to someone who scares you in the best way possible and who gets you intuitively is an act of god and it ceases to simply be about sex but about the mental and metaphysical connection that elevates your souls in that moment. It’s about fixing your gaze on this beautiful being seemingly created for you and you are giving them your essence and wrapping them up in your aura and merging energies. This act solidified what you’ve been trying to avoid. It releases the flood gates and everything you’ve been trying so hard to keep at bay comes flying out and you’re left with nothing but all the things you’ve been trying to hide and protect. Each and every single, solitary thing that you’ve been blocking and hiding is now right there, exposed and open.
And then? Now what? What is happening? This is the moment in our lives where we will see if our love is greater than our fear. This is when we reconcile within ourselves if we will proceed with this person who lights our soul ablaze or we retreat and revert back into the confines of our narrow world that is known, safe, predictable and familiar. Could we trade that false sense of security for an unknown possibility? Could we give up our solitude for something we aren’t sure could work? Could we give up our solitude for something that could potentially break us down and leave us for dead if it didn’t work? Could we leave this small world to live in a world where the other traveler were to become your best friend, lover, business partner, elevation buddy and everything that another person could be if you allowed it? Could you give yourself the permission to love and be loved so purely, holistically and grandly that you love who become because of that love?. Could you allow yourself to be the best version of yourself because this love has inspired you, freed you while terrifying you but elevating you simultaneously? Will you give yourself permission to lose control, go with the flow and hold the space for love to break you apart and reconstruct everything you thought you knew? If I am to experience something like this and still back down then I would have failed myself. The only thing harder than being naked is the fact that your nakedness can be seen and left open to be loved or judged. We can’t know if we will have this love for an eternity but I do know if I can have it in this moment, and there is a choice then I’m going to forever choose love. I’ll choose to be naked because people like him don’t come along too often. Whether or not he will choose nakedness is not up to me but it’s a gamble I’m willing to take AND I seldom lose.