Life has a way of bringing balance in some capacity whether we like it or not. We must walk through storms in order to know how much fortitude and strength we have. There would be no need for balance if things were perfect all the time. But if not for breakdowns, challenges and troubles, how then would we know how to overcome? Pain, like joy is a part of us and it is written into the stitching of our DNA and we have to allow each parts of those things to teach us lessons in love, fear, resilience, courage and all things in between. Pain is the vehicle but fear is the driver and it can have us suffocate our wants, dreams, desires and hopes because we can’t bear to feel pain. We shrink ourselves behind our excuses of why we cannot rise above the remnants and leftovers of our past. We confine ourselves into the boxes of our mind and we often do not leave our small hiding places because we cannot bear the pain of the reality of failure. I get it.
What then? What happens to us when we allow the pain to be so great that we stop feeling, stop making sense of the things in front of us and shying away from opportunities that could be earth shattering? What then? This looks like being at a job that feels like prison. It’s being there as a body but mentally there is no growth, spiritual stagnancy and soon it just takes over every aspect of your life and when you’re looking for accomplishments or looking for satisfaction or looking for a silver lining there is none because we are the storm making it rain on everything. Our minds become the enemy and when we are stagnant and inactive for too long that becomes our state of being. It becomes our identity and we lose the vision, passion and dream only to remain stuck. We lose ourselves in our mediocrity and we land in space that is confined, restrictive and soul draining. We accept that this is what life is and we stay in failing relationships, we have circular conversations, we lose focus on our connection with the divine in ourselves and we accept defeat. We would rather accept banal repetition and soul sucking joy RATHER than say the hard thing, move past the shit that holds us back and accept the truth for our lives.
I can tell you that I sold out on my vision for wack ass health insurance and a job that didn’t inspire me. I will never say it was a waste or I didn’t learn or I don’t appreciate that time. I do. I also am reflecting on the time and I know it was necessary. I needed that time to see what I needed to do next. Being there has me know that I can’t ever go back to a restrictive job with set times. I cannot go back to anything routine, nothing that stifles movements. I need to shore up the shit in me that wants to bust out and more importantly scares the fuck out of me BUT on the other side of that fear, and that reminder of pain is FREEDOM and my wildest dreams. The pain of past failures has imprisoned me for far too long. The access to my success is setting in motion my dreams; first with in intention and 100% action!!! Leap and the net shall appear, right?
Toni Morrison didn’t write her most famous book until she was in her 40s. However I’m sure she set the intention to be great despite her setbacks. I feel like I inherently know that I am great despite anything that has happened. I’m great also due to my pain, due to my failings and all the shit that bent me but did not break me. I’m great because I’m resilient and I need to say this to remind myself. I often do not feel great, I feel unaccomplished, I feel miserable and out of sorts at times. That’s when I know I’m out of alignment with the goddess in me. When shit doesn’t feel right and I’m blocked I know it’s because I am selling out and I’m trading my personal peace for bullshit and giving into fear based ways of being. When fearful I attract everything I fear. I accept every lie and fucked up shit my ego wants me to believe. I can acknowledge that and I gotta acknowledge it so I can move through it. My fear will never be greater than my love. My pain will never supersede my desires to elevate into higher heights. I am committing to being intentional, purposeful and live in LOVE. I shine way too bright to let my ego and fear to hold me down. I have too much work and love to share. I literally cannot afford anything to stand in my way. The best part though? Only me can free myself or imprison myself. I hold these keys and day by day, moment by moment I am breaking these mental chains.