I love him (him is a variable) but I love me more. I want to be clear that in my standing in clearing for peace, reflection and abundance what I’m getting is that while I can miss someone, crave them, want to be near them, I can also manage those feelings by getting in touch with myself. I am going to feel my feelings regardless and there is no point in resisting them but what I need to do is pinpoint what those things mean to me. What I know is that being with this particular him brings what I feel is safety, comfort, belonging and being seen in a way that I don’t allow myself to be with everyone. That’s perfectly okay, I can allow him to be that in that moment. The reality of it though is that unless we create agreement around what that will look like for both of us, I am just living with the reality of my own projection but not an objective reality in the world. I can want that so badly but if he is unable to give it, then that’s where breakdowns happen.
I’ve been here before in this space of wondering what happened. I am clear that what happened is that I not only sold out on myself but I was responding to the foolishness that I made up in my mind about how the situation should look and feel. There’s no joy and patience in that. Joy and patience is having the courage to say the truth. The truth is while I enjoy his company and being wrapped up in his essence, I don’t like the feeling when we are apart. That indicates to me that our foundation is not strong and while it all feels delicious to the body, it is poison to the heart. There has to come a time where I prioritize my mental sanity over my physical satisfaction. Sex feels damn good with someone you really connect with but if there is a desire for more and more cannot be provided then that shit is going to hurt like hell.
Radical self love is knowing that life will send you the same lesson over and over until you learn it. Radical self love is having the courage, the discipline and the patience to know when to say “nah, I’m good.” It’s knowing when to pull up and see and hear what the person is saying for what they saying. People show you who they are and while things can feel good, feel delicious and feel like a mini miracle it doesn’t mean that it is going to work in reality without the proper conversation, mindset and channels for successful partnership. Radical self love is a revolutionary act because far too often I haven’t spoken up and I shrink myself at no one’s request but rather satisfying the fact that my ego wants me to remain small and lifeless. Radical self love is knowing when to bow out and leave situations alone so that I can shore up the righteous in me. Radical self love is not about parking myself and waiting to be discovered but it’s about pursuing all the things that the universe has put in my path and activating the personal joy within me. Loving myself and the pursuit of my personal legend is the access to finding and keeping the love that I seek. Radical self love is about taking a fucking seat and allowing the universe to do her thing. I do not need to figure out nor act on everything I feel like I need.
My joy starts and ends with me. There is nothing that anyone can do or say differently that can really transform the thoughts I have about loving myself. Someone’s action or inaction is not a reflection or a response to me specifically. I have to remember that life responds to my thoughts and my thoughts affect my actions. I love MYSELF is an act of freedom, permission to allow myself to be free and to access the things that I truly want even if there’s a tough decision to be made. Self love is about putting my needs first and requesting exactly what I know I want. One of two things will happen from another human being, either they will honor my request or they won’t. It is not my job to prove myself, to please, to plead, to probe, prod or convince someone to love me. Love is an act of freedom and the person who will love me will come to me with ease. That happens when it happens and not a single moment before. Radical self love is the access to everything I could ever want in my life. I accept that blessing and the epiphany.