My mind, my heart and my soul work in tandem. They are not different entities, they comprise of the best and worst parts of me. They help me process all kinds of things in ways that make sense and also keep me sane. I am currently experiencing something that I have no control over and rather than resist it, I have to just see it through. It’s a feeling that is kinda familiar but at the same time it feels different. I shared what it is with Mama BFF and she said she was scared for me and frankly, I am scared for myself. I am shook down to my core and I am brave but I am damn near paralyzed by fear. I know, if I stand in the glory of love, then fear cannot reign supreme BUT I’m a person experiencing the loss of control. I do not mean the absence of control but rather NOT being in control of any of the outcomes or the variables. In matters of business, I feel no fear at all. I feel confident and I always trust that the universe will come through. I never fear that aspect of my life.
I like to keep my emotions all the way in check. I do not like the feeling of being vulnerable which to me means someone knows my truth and I don’t know what they will do next. I willingly showed my hand, in this case hand means heart and I don’t know what’s next. The not knowing plus my incredibly crazy knack for coming up with bleak scenarios is almost debilitating. The calm version of myself says that everything that was said was actually honest and while it could be overwhelming it doesn’t have to be. The things that were suggested starts and ends with a timeline that’s not fixed but declaring an intention. I think that’s what is rocking me so hard at this time. I stated my intent. I boldly said what I wanted and I then posed the question back, what do you want? Even deeper than that, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
There is something freeing about my boldness and courage AFTER the conversation occurs. However in these moments when I’ve just released and simply waiting for the conversation to occur, I am shook up. I literally wrote that I want to run away. I legit do. It’s like when you send a drunk text and you pour out all your emotions and say all the shit that only tequila allows you to say BUT then the next morning you reread that shit and you’re like…oh fuccccccccck!!!!! Nooooooooo! Welp! It’s just like that except I was sober, really sober, really present and really honest and I’m scared that what I said is too scary or the intent won’t be matched. If those were the only options then the latter I’d prefer to deal with BECAUSE then I can say well at least I know the interest just wasn’t there. Cool. But the being too scared and just dipping out part is what will make me mad. It will make me shake my head and offer the wickedest side eye that only black women are capable of when we are checking the shit out of someone without any words. If I can be bold enough to pony up and spit truth then TUH…they can too.
I’m too grown up in my emotional development to waste time fucking around and not saying what I mean and be clear about what I’m doing. While I have zero intentions of merging my soul with anyone’s soul I do intend to be straight and clear about building with someone. I however won’t just create these bridges that just lead to one place. When I do choose to spend my time with someone exclusively I have to know and y’all know that it has to be better than my solitude. My path and my connection with someone else has to be something that is nothing short of transformational. I will not settle for acts of mediocre commitment and lacking ambition of sustainability. The only way to assure that no time is being wasted is to have a conversation about intention and expectations. I mean human beings are fucking crazy so nothing is a guarantee BUT assuming we are speaking about responsible people then a clear conversation plus consistent action could produce a productive, win win situation for all parties involved.
The only way out is through. I can only do what I know to do especially knowing what I now know. I only know how to be straight forward. I only know how to be forthcoming about my intention and to ask someone what their intention is because I’m not about that wasting time life. I’m not about expressing myself for the sake of it. I write and come with the truth because I’m not going to be wondering what the deal is while staying quiet. Booooooooo!!!!! It is a level of control to find out what someone wants but how it will go, the unfolding and the intricacies are left to fate. I can’t dictate how someone else functions in their own life BUT if you’re going to be in my life, I need to know what you want. My life isn’t just mine. My life is mine AND my kid’s life. It’s our life and it’s a beautiful life. It’s also a complicated and complex one like everyone else’s but it is worth sharing. It is worth taking a walk through and open the doors that could lead to the possibilities of possibilities and limitless skies filled with stars to wish upon. It’s a life that can be the sweetest thing you’ve never even knew could be possible. It’s having access to unlocking parts of yourself you didn’t know existed. Man.
To be honest I enjoy myself like this and dislike the feeling simultaneously. I enjoy the idea that things can open so far and so wide that I can no longer see a beginning nor an end but the middle is so delicious. I am recalling my 12 year old self when I used to dream of the possibilities of what an endless love looked like. It clearly looks different now BUT that feeling, the little fire that burns consistently but at different intensities at different points is now raging. My life has been set on fire by passion and a hunger to satisfy my need for peace, comfort, happiness compatibility, partnership and a love that reminds me that I can do anything. I am more free and more bold than I’ve been in a long time. It’s exhilarating and it’s alarming. I’m excited and I’m shook BUT I’m awake, aware and ready to play a big game. I want everything I deserve in my life. I won’t get it by being safe and by waiting for all that I want to be handed to me. Nah son who got time for that? Are we going forward or nah? We chillin or nah? We making moves or nah? If I don’t ask, then I don’t know and if I don’t know then I’m wasting time. I don’t have time to waste.
I don’t know what the outcome will be. But I’m going to take a bet and say that it will be one that will bring growth and learning. I am willing to bet on MYSELF and say that I’ll get what I deserve not because I want it BUT because it’s for me. I am going to get exactly what I’ve prayed for, worked towards and attract to me. I am going to get the joy and keep the joy. I’m going to get the adventure that I’ve been seeking and it’s going to be delicious. I stand in the space for my life to be grand and I stand in the space for clarity, commitment, abundance and possibilities. I stand in the space that is a clearing for the magic of life to rain down on me. Asé!