Gratitude

It is important to me to say thank you often BECAUSE there’s so much value in honoring and acknowledging what someone has done for me. My first lesson on gratitude would have to be from my mother and there’s a lot to tell her thank you for and I don’t do that enough. My mother and I have a tense, not always so amicable relationship but there have been more moments of meeting in the middle lately. My mother and I grew apart although we lived in the same space. We just valued different things and her parenting and personality style absolutely did not and still doesn’t vibe with mine. That used to wreck me when I was much younger. I was very offended by the way she would carry on, speak to me and interact with me. There wasn’t the warmth and care that I needed but she was doing what she could. I don’t think she did her best to be better everyday BUT that’s neither here nor there. Her way of being is her way of being and while things could have gone differently, they didn’t BUT here I am.

I am the way I am largely in part of my mother. She is generosity personified. She will give away every one of her possessions before she would witness anyone going without. She is a gracious giver without a second thought to jump in a provide service and quality care to anyone in need. She has a gift with seniors that I am in awe of everyday. She has the incredible skill of being present for people who are at the end of their lives. She’s fully present to be at the side of people transitioning into the spirit world. She’s often the last person people see before they pass. She does what she does so well and to her patients she makes it look easy. That’s a wonderful thing.

However those emotions definitely go somewhere if they cannot be expressed at work. Oftentimes all of the niceness reserved for others ended when it was time to interact with me. I was never perfect and I’ll never be perfect and I learned some hard lessons from my mother. I don’t know her whole story, I only know the parts as a daughter but not as someone who knows her well. I can’t imagine she’s had an easy road but she also has so much abundance to show for her deeds. I can say too that my mother is masterful at showing gratitude for those who have opened doors for her. She’s loyal to a fault and she would go to far lengths to ensure that the people who supported her know how grateful and thankful she is.

Mother daughter relationships can be fucking tough and also can open heart to endless possibilities. My mom instilled good values in me as a kid. Like I said, she did what she could. The lessons that have gotten me to this point came from my resilience and refusal to be suffocated by anyone’s version of what my life should look like, including my mother’s. By being my mother’s daughter I learned what I didn’t want to be as a person and as a mother raising a daughter. I believe that while she did what she could, she could have been a lot better than she allowed herself to be. Despite that fact I’m still gracious and full of thanks for the fact that I’ve never starved or went without necessities. That allowed me to be comfortable enough to find my path and go on the adventure that is my life.

Mothers are people too. Duh. We are parents but we are also beings finding our path, our purpose and our meaning in the world while we are raising children. That task isn’t an easy one. My mother left her whole life to immigrate here and make hella sacrifices so that things could be different for her and for me. She made a lot out of the little she had and that’s to be admired. I don’t know the ins and outs of her story but she’s worked hard for everything she has a no one can take that away from her. I can relate and have more overstanding for her from a human to human aspect. On the mother to daughter tip, there’s a lot that I think could have been improved by communication and vulnerability. I believe we could still have breakthroughs but I’m not totally sure that’s my goal or my role. I am thankful for my mother. I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned from her whether directly or indirectly. I’ve learned that you have to find peace when it comes to your parents because they are simply people finding their path. Whether or not they were good parents is nothing I can fix or want to fix. But what I can do is have gratitude and I can be thankful that they contributed to who I am and that’s the long and short of it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s