What I Allow Will Continue

I am the Queen, and this is my Queendom and there will be no one allowed in if they do not wish me well, mean well or can add to my personal value. We allow reciprocity, kindness and connection that is to be built from both parties. There will be no one sided conversations, no exertion of energy I do not have and there will be no compromise of my happiness under any circumstances. All that other shit is white noise and I am not with it. I am going to shine my light and either you are going to shine with me or you won’t. You will either rise to the challenge or you won’t. My task to be motherfucking great, and teach my kid to do the same. Of course being great with humility and kindness and never ever for the sake of arrogance or to be better than anyone. My mission here is to simply live a life that has me winning and my best interest at heart. I will work with people who will work with me. I am going to associate with people who want to build and have the energy to build and connect. That is all I can offer anyone. I won’t wait, I will not stand still, I will not deal with theories, I will deal with tangible examples of love, light, connection and communication. That right there is what I can allow, anything else is noise.

I deserve better, I deserve more, I deserve all the good things the world has to offer, and YET I do not operate as such. What is that? I have been listening to the kinds of things my male friends have had to dish out or choose to dish out to women, some deserving and some not, and I am blown away. I mean some women really bring men to their knees and then grip them by the balls ANNNNNNNNNND stick their Loubitons (that these fools bought) right in their dicks!!!! Whattttttttttttt???? I mean I have seen powerful men brought to their knees because these women had no mercy. I do not know everyone’s situation and I am not envious of anyone’s situation because I have no idea what anyone did or did not do for what they have. I am staying clear of that coveting people’s shit avenue. I want no parts. However, I do want to prove to myself that I can dip out of situations when there really is nothing to be gained by being a fucking martyr and not wasting my time playing the waiting game. I feel like it is in my nature to give everyone an A to start. I believe in true forgiveness, which means accepting an apology and lettting the shit go. I am not going to make someone pay for something they have apologized for earnestly. What I WILL DO though is allow people to prove themselves. I think having a conversation about expectations, boundaries and all of things that can function like a business arrangement, except it is way more important because you know, it is my fucking life.

The thing that has been missing for me, is letting people off the hook far too easily, not standing my ground enough and allowing myself to sell out on myself for a little bit of affection and temporary joy. Far too often I have this entire shit that I want to say, really profound and moving shit, and I freeze. I do not freeze out of forgetting or lacking eloquence, but I freeze because I do not want to other person to say, “Aight cool, I am out.” Fuccccck. I literally settle for the most basic of apologies and I do not go in on what the impact those actions were on me, how fucking hurt, shattered and pained I was, the time it took to heal myself ANNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDD MOST IMPORTANTLY WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO GET BACK INTO MY GOOD GRACES!!!!!! That is the shit that I fail at consistently. I still have a mindset that perhaps being understanding is a trait that will have me be loved unconditionally. I do believe that actually, BUT not at the expense of my heart, my emotions, and my feelings. I think that no matter how much confidence I have, and how much I can love myself, there is still something in me that wants to lay my burdens, my sorrows, my stuff at the feet of someone who will love me with all that shit and keep coming back for more. I do believe that person exists. I believe that fully, I know that I have to TRAIN that person how to treat me, challenge them to meet me and if they fail, then I keep walking until they want to try again and do it right UNTIL it finally clicks. I do not think I have met bad men, I think I know and have dealt with good men BUT I made it far too easy for them to access the best parts of me without doing any real work.

Honestly, that is just who I am. I see goodness in people and I assume they see goodness in me and we will build and connect. But I am often doing all the connecting and all the building. How can I make the shit more balanced? Fall the fuck back. Step back. Watch. Observe. Call out. Fall out. Move on. Listen. Listen. Listen. Observe. That’s really all that there is to it. Watch what he is actually doing. Observe body language. Call out bullshit when he is not doing what he says he will do. Be pissed when he doesn’t honor his word. MOVE ON when he is not doing what he is supposed to do. Listen when he offers an explanation. Technically the next steps is create tangible examples of being better. Create dates, create plans, step back and allow some self proving to take place. BECAUSE I AM FUCKKKKKKINNNNNNNG TIRED. I am so sick of being understanding and it getting me nowhere. I am sick of being fucking patient only to be met with nothingness on the other side. I am sick of being good to be met with apathy. I am sick of bringing the best parts of me only to be met with mediocrity. But I can blame no one but myself for not being gun ho, persistent, and selling out on my damn self. If my daughter did the shit that I have allowed people to do to her that I have allowed done to me, I would have failed as a parent. I was never taught I deserved good things in my life. There were too many times where I was made to feel that I did not deserve things and I was lucky it was happening at all. I was never taught to teach people how to value me and all the shit I know now, is because I had to come through some raging fucking storms and fires, drenched and burned down to my god damn soul to truly fucking overstand what I will NEVER ALLOW AGAIN.

Life has made me resilient as fuck, but I am not hardened. I am not a person with a tough heart but I have tough fucking skin and I will not break, bend but not break. I am a tad bit upset I did not learn lessons in self love a lot sooner But if I had I wouldn’t have the wealth of experience I have now AND I would not know how to forgive even when it is seemingly impossible. I would not know how to love despite the fear and indifference I have had to experience. Who I am is a sum of all the parts of me. I am a lover with love big enough for all people, I am a warrior who has overcome a host of challenges, I am pieces of broken parts of me that have fallen apart but gradually come together, I am darkness which entails the parts of me that are necessary to protect my mother fucking neck, I am my charisma with the ability to talk to all kinds of people and make them feel heard, I am a winner and a loser, and a sage and a fool, I am a teacher and a student, I am a love and I am fear but really I am LOVE because my Love will eternally outweigh my fears. I am not scared of love, but I am scared of what a lack of love can do. However, in writing this piece, I think I truly finally got in my soul what it means to LOVE myself. All along I have loved myself, but the love just grew deeper as I have grown and as my heart has expanded. Every time I say yes to new opportunities, I say yes to loving myself and expanding my growth. I love myself deeper when I learn to speak up and say NAH my guy, what you doing is not working, and if you not trying to change then I am fucking out. Loving myself is also asking people straight fucking questions about their intentions because I do not have the time to be waiting on anyone to discover their own self love. I am good on that…you be great…I am going to deal with someone who knows what the fuck they deserve. Loving myself is also doing difficult but necessary shit like saying I love you when I feel it, saying I need you when I realize it AND asking someone to stay, build and see where this can go because I AM worth all that. If they say no, then it is no. But if they say yes, then we do some work. WE doing work is me doing work on me and him doing work on him THEN WE find the time an opportunity to build together by spending time and learning each other. I can offer the best parts of me because I have been very intimate with my brain and heart for a long time.

I am ready for what comes next and here and now I declare that I will allow myself to be loved the way I deserve, the way I love me and the way he will love me because of his love for himself. This is exhilarating.

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