Insanity IS doing shit over and over again and expecting a different result. My dude…you know how many insane behaviors I’ve engaged in that has me look back and be like..bittttch you were wilddddinnnnn!!!! Like who in their right mind behaves like this? I’m not gonna say I be stalking IG, FB and other social media…I would never, ever, ever do that…ever. *side eyeing* my reflection in the mirror. I mean soooo what?!!? Y’all never engaged in internet stalking? Psssssh! Anywho…the fastest way to drive yourself mad is to constantly relive moments by looking at photos, looking for hints of reciprocity and clues about what they could be up to. Omg that’s so pathetic. Wahhhhh! These are the for real literal emotions that I go through when I’m playing the insanity game. I think there are just different stages of disbelief that we go through when a situation that seemed so right, suddenly or gradually go allllll the way left.
I have been reflecting on who I am and the kinds of people I attract romantically and uhhhhh it could be my own issues with monogamy but I have yet to find someone who feels like home. I’m not looking for home per say but I think perhaps that’s what I need. I need to be able to unpack my stuff, take off my clothes and sit down and feel safe and secure in your space and presence. The moment I think I could have possibly found home, things don’t pan out. That’s neither here nor there it’s just a matter of how long it’s going to take me to get over it. I never get over it quickly when we are friends on social media. Ugggggghhhhhhh that’s a trap down a rabbit hole that never ends. The only way for me to purge people out of memory is to block them on every device and social media outlet possible, and associate all my memories of them as lessons and then just train myself to move past it.
Obsessing is not cute. It traps me in a place that is a mental maze which leads to distress and breakdowns. I know I can easily train myself to not get to this point but staying present and focused on the here and now. But sometimes I just get too excited. I live in my mind and see all of the wonderful possibilities for togetherness. However in reality I don’t pay attention to the signs and what’s being said without being said. What I know about men is that when they want you, they will come for you no matter what. Men can be relentless and when they want to pursue you they make it known. If I gotta work hard, then I’ve already lost. Whether or not I knew what was happening before it happened, it always becomes clear as day when I look at the ratio of communication between me and them. Ohhhhhhh so a non reply to a text, vm, video message, IG likes, or phone call means you don’t wanna talk? Oh. It means that the communication is unwelcomed and the lack of engagement isn’t a trick. It literally actually means, WE ARE NOT SPEAKING…STOP TALKING TO ME. Well fuckkkkkkkk me, that’s all you had to say asshole!
Lmao! I think I torture myself because I secretly am masochist as fuck. It’s like my life isn’t complete if I’m not licking my wounds or pining over some dude who just wasn’t that into me. Omg!!! Why have I spent all this mental energy devoting my time to someone living in my brain rent free? I’m the landlord like Fiona Gallagher in Shameless who thought she was being nice by allowing a family to live in her apartment so they wouldn’t sue her. That shit backfires because she still ends of being sued, they moved mad people in and stole her dog. All for what??!!?!? To prove what? I’m learning that I have to match people’s energy. Not a single person other than my child deserves anything more than I can offer them. No one deserves my light who won’t reciprocate theirs. I have allowed myself to walk down the dark alleys of my brain and I’ve encountered doubt, my ego, negative thoughts about what I did wrong and all the dark shadows that lurk in my mind. I did that simply because I allowed myself to exert energy to someone who had been checked out. Smh.
I know me better than anyone else knows me. I can say confidently that I jump into situations that are glittery and shiny at first but I quickly become really aware of the reality. All that glitters ain’t gold and most of the time that shit ain’t even gold plated. It’s most like spray painted with some off brand shit that looks wack as fuck from jump but I trick myself into believing it looks aiiiiiiight. WRONGGGGGGG! I gotta have conversations about expectations from the jump. There’s no amount of fantasizing that can make a situation go the way I want it to go if the other party isn’t privy to the fantasy. Nobody but me is responsible for my reaction. I am responsible for pulling up and taking myself out of the game the moment things start getting one sided. I can save a lot of my sanity and my brain cells by simply being realistic, present and managing my expectations. Nobody did anything to me and nothing actually happened. There was a moment and then the moment passed. Like all things, the suffering, the sadness, the emotions and the memories will pass. This too shall pass. It has to.