Le siggggggggggghhhhhhhh… the people who know me intimately want to know what’s up with Chocolate Drop? How does he feel about my words and the emotions I’ve been touching on lately? They want to know what his position is and how he’s reacting. The answer I have for them is, I don’t know. Like I’ve told y’all before in Butterflies Don’t Rage he just doesn’t leave the door open for that kind of honesty and open communication. How then can we continue? I don’t think we can. The things I love about him are sometimes the same things that perplex me and frustrate me. We have good sexual chemistry but we don’t always have good sex. We have an emotional bond but we don’t always connect emotionally. If I were interested in something restrictive but constant then he would be a good match but y’all know that’s not what I want so it seems like we may be at the end, sexually.
He is great but he’s also problematic as fuck. On more than one occasion one of his past or maybe current women have gone out of their way to tell me that he belonged to them and he had been with them for x amount of years. Honestly I was more annoyed and saddened for them than I was angry. There was nothing about Chocolate Drop that ever made me think I wanted to be exclusive with him. He lacks the maturity and emotional intelligence that I need in a partner. I would say he’s a cross between Erik Killmonger…wait he’s fucking Erik Killmonger….LMAOOOOO!!! He can be a ruthless savage but not without good reason. When I can look past his rough ass exterior, the man under the layers is lovable and vulnerable but only when he’s been drinking. I can’t deal with that. But it is who he is and I love him as he is but I’m also choosing to take a bunch of steps back because he’s taking up room where someone else can be. I’m grateful for our time together and has helped me and supported me on many occasions.
However, I cannot share my truth with him because he doesn’t want me to. Why? I’m not sure why exactly. He knows about Mr. Aquarius and that relationship is something he’s not fond of at all. I’ve tried to talk to him about who he is to me but he stops me and changes the subject. Ugggggghhhhhhhh!!!!! Annoying! I feel like if I were able to come to him about anything then we would have made more headway by now. I feel like we would have been able to get a lot further and bond a bit deeper if he were willing to understand. However he wants to remain in the dark and continue to operate the way we have been. I do not find that to be workable nor acceptable. In his mind he believes in monogamy and wants to be married one day, someday, maybe and I personally do not subscribe to his ways of being. I think that’s perfectly fine and good and I’ve been able to be truthful about that. I think I have said it more this week than I have in my entire time of knowing him. We have come to a crossroads and all roads begin and end with my personal joy and happiness. He can choose to be whomever he wants but I will not let someone who is closed off and reserved pull me into his ways of being.
I wish things were different because then we could have dissected and figure things out together. I don’t think we had true partnership because if that were the case my focus would have been a lot stronger. However his omissions and his being unwilling to listen to my truth has made it hard for me to see the point into continuing our connection. There’s not enough holding us together and as the weeks roll by we have been speaking way less and I do not miss him. I will not agonize over a situation I have no control over. I will not look for ways to communicate nor make things easy. I leaned in as far as I could only to be met with walls and the remnants of what once was. I will do no more work in this situation and if we grow apart without a proper conversation then that’s what it is. I did my best. I communicated with integrity. I give it my all. I have nothing left and I’m okay with that too. It sucks that this is the forum that I have to write this in but it needed to be purged.