Boyyyyyyyyyyyyy ain’t that the truth? Mama Bff was telling me last night that I should be careful not to go too far too fast. I was like oh snap…yes I gotta be careful not to burn myself out. I write from my heart right now and it is my intention to do that forever. I do wonder, if my audience were to change, would I write differently? The answer right now is absolutely not. I can’t and won’t write simply for public approval. I think that defeats the purpose of RawMotherFunkingEmotions. However, I do wonder if my blog were to get huge and let’s say Netflix or Hulu or some other giant wants to market my work, then what? I think about Dave Chappelle who spoke very candidly about what they wanted him to do for money, and he was able to decline and walk away BUT here he is, again, THRIVING. Would I sell out on my authenticity for money? I want to say no. But another part of me is like welllllll how much money we talking people???
I think that besides this blog I am finding my path still and again. I have been an educator for so long and I love it so much but I cannot do it in a way that compromises my values. I am learning that I’m good at things that weren’t even on my radar. That actually feels amazing and rewarding because stagnancy can demolish your self esteem. I don’t want that for my life. I want to be a student forever and I want to learn new things that I can put in my reserves for a rainy day and when I’m a dollar short. Besides talking about authenticity in my blog, I am also looking very closely at how I show up in the dating world. Where have I adjusted myself, my attitude, my way of being to be desirable to a man? I can count many ways and I can’t believe that I ever was that person. However, I can believe that I was that person. I felt like I needed to accommodate, bend and move around my ways of being so that this man would see me, love me, want me AND YET STILL it never ever kept anyone worth keeping. I had to go through these trials, these tribulations and these clusterfuck of emotions in order to be the not giving a fuck person I am now. I give a fuck about people, but I don’t give a fuck what a man thinks of me if he’s unwilling to learn ME.
I think for a really long time I didn’t have the audacity to tell people to leave me alone because I felt like I had to accept what I was given. I didn’t rock the boat, I was accommodating and it was just what I had to do…or so I thought. Booooooooooooo!!!!!!! Wrong! I just really believe that I needed to find my light and my power to do what was best for me. I’ve sold out on myself many times to fit in for work, or for whatever it was that I was trying to do. I am okay with what needed to happen because that’s the learning that needed to take place. I had to learn how inauthenticity felt in order to be sure not to feel like that again. I had to learn how to accept my flaws, my shortcomings, my insecurities and work on them!!! I had to work on the things that kept me inauthentic, postured and fake because it made me uncomfortable with who I was. I was not happy when I was selling out and accommodating and fixing myself to be loved. Not one of those things brought love to my life and well, I needed to learn that lesson.
Authenticity is a buzzword for me. It matters to me because if I’m not me as I am, all that I am, all parts of me, then WHY am I living in this world? Why am I here if I’m not going to live my best life? What is the point of parenting, educating kids, and coaching if I’m not being who I tell my students/child/clients to be? Then, I’m a fraud. That doesn’t sit well with me. I can’t be that. That will keep me up at night, torture me and have me lose sleep. That’s not what I’ll ever strive to be because no amount of money can EVER replace the true intent of my soul. I strive for the approval of my daughter. She is who I need to impress and prove things to. I need her to view my actions and think to herself that she’s proud of who I am because it makes her feel good on the inside. That’s whose approval I need and seek actively. Beyond that, everyone else can have a stadium full of seats.