Sigh! I don’t want to act like I have a formula because I sure as hell do not. I literally have to live my life moment to moment in order to not overanalyze and drive myself crazy. What I’ve been learning to do more than ever is talk to my people. I talk to Mr. Aquarius, Hindu Goddess, Triple T and Mama BFF and they help me and remind me of my greatness. I need them because they also remind me that it is okay to be sad and they allow me the space to rant, rave and become sane again. I need that. My INFJ, living in my brain, not talking to anyone but my thoughts really needs my community and I’m thankful for them.
What am I moving on from? I don’t know exactly. I still want Stallion in many different ways but the reality is that I don’t need him. Mama BFF keeps reminding me that I did not need him and he was a surprise. However if he stayed or didn’t stay it was fine either way. True enough. We are moving into week three and we haven’t communicated in a meaningful way so I am going to let it go for now. I sent a short and encouraging text yesterday, it was met with radio silence and fine, so be it. I will continue to keep my thoughts positive and wish him well because in reality he, like all people deserve that. My anger and wondering and made up scenarios will keep me in mental quicksand. However my joy, positivity and high thoughts will keep me present and moving towards the rest of my story.
My days have been filled with scenarios of me saying my truth and making moves that are beneficial to my soul. I need that. I think I have learned to give myself permission to feel distressed, upset and be really mad. It happens. I am allowed to feel my feelings. However there is also something to be said about nudging myself forward. Moving forward and scheduling a time to get over the shit. It will be gradual but everyday is a step closer to being okay and a step further from what was. It’s okay. I’m okay. I give myself permission to write my narrative and be okay with all that comes with it. There is no point in resisting sadness when it comes, or resisting feeling anguish, because the way to the other side is through. I must weather storms, allow myself to feel the lows deeply in my soul, feel the tears burn my eyes and allow myself to completely fall apart. The other side of that is rebuilding, the other side is coming together again, and creating a new beginning. Rumi said “The wound is where the light shines through.” YASSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! The light shines through all my wounds, my brokenness, my pain and all the places I’ve been shattered and disappointed. My breakdowns made room for my breakthroughs. I can’t fully appreciate natural highs if I didn’t experience devastating lows. Life is balance and all things that go up must come down.
My friend Mr. Payano used to say “Be like bamboo, you bend but you DO NOT break.” No truer words have been spoken. Bent but never broken.