When I hear people chastise women for loving men who have wronged them and make them feel crappy I can’t help but roll my eyes. Why is the thought so foreign that you can love someone who ain’t shit and miss the times you had? I often find myself at the crossroads of wanting stab him in the face and wondering if he’s eaten today. I literally imagine myself punching him straight in the chest but I know I’d probably nurse the wound back to health. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!! What is that about?
It’s about knowing that I deserve better and I will absolutely get better when I leave the foolishness behind. That fact however doesn’t stop my brain from wondering what he’s doing or daydreaming about what WE could be doing together. I think, actually I know that time is the ease to these wandering thoughts. Time is what will help me get past the feeling like I’m suffocating because I cannot breathe without him. Time will resolve the feeling of desire. It will. It absolutely will and I will look forward to the day that he’s not the first thing I think of in the morning.
My friend said that there’s a part of us that lives for this drama, lives for this pain in our hearts and lives for the pang of subtle heartbreak and she’s not wrong. I think I hate the part that the lesson is teaching me; take your fucking time!!!!!!!! However the rush, the high, the feeling soooooo damn good is what I definitely live for and crave. I feel alive knowing I could fall head over heels, be excited and want so much more. I feel so surprised but giddy that I could want to want someone so badly that my skin aches to be touched. I had no idea that he was the oasis that I needed because I was in an emotional desert being so absolutely drained of all my love. I didn’t know I was starving until he fed with me with sweet words and desserts of what could be. Shit…he was sunrise on the longest night with a double eclipse and no moon. He was the first signs of spring after an absolutely dreadful winter. He was proof that my heart beats to the rhythm of something other than my sadness banging on my walls. He was a deluge of water from the tallest mountain down to the deepest depths of the deepest oceans and he awoken the goddess inside of me. He had the combination to turn my light on and that shit caught me off guard. THAT IS WHAT THE FUCK I CRAVE. I want him because he did that. Not many men can do that and I’m mad as fuck that he did that but I’m also grateful. It’s like heroin for the heart. Damn it.
Sooooooo yes lots of women love men they shouldn’t love for a variety of reasons. It is just what’s so. I don’t have anything so negative to say because I don’t think my story is over but who knows. All I can say is that what has transpired has been delicious and I see what’s possible. There won’t be another him but there will be others. There will be a few others most likely and while I anticipate the pain that is guaranteed to follow, I also am looking forward to that emotional high. I cannot even begin to describe how much I want it. But I’ll also say that it reminds me that I am but a mere mortal who is feeling mortal things. I am but a speck of dust in this vast universe of people finding themselves, losing themselves, fucking themselves up and chasing highs that they know will end badly. We know these things, but we still continue to put our hands to the flames. Fire is a necessary evil. We either become fire walkers or we become ashes and dust. The former are for those of us who embrace the pain, become one with the pain and wear it as a part of our skin. Fire Walkers are most definitely alchemists who know that everything is an omen neither good nor bad. It’s just a stop and a part of our story. It is all written and because I know that, I will embrace all that comes with being engulfed by the flames.