The Butterflies Don’t Rage

I met Chocolate Drop when I was trying to get over Mr. Aquarius. There was some overlap and as you learn me deeper, you will learn that Mr. Aquarius is a staple in my life because…well he just is. He’s not going anywhere and that’s that. But I want to talk about Chocolate Drop, and why he’s special but there are no butterflies for him. We met and it was funny because the banter exchanged online was funny as heck and it made me laugh and naturally piqued my interest. He was aight…tall, witty and when I decided I was ready to meet him I was not disappointed. We sat on his bed, we talked about many things and I got a warm and really sweet vibe from him, but I could tell he was guarded and I was okay with that. His familiar way of being had me interested and well one thing led to another and yummmmmmmmy……I needed that. I needed that goodness that he was laying down. Yassssssssssss!!!!!!!!! We did that a few more times and we also started building and getting closer.

As we got closer, I noticed that once the warm and fuzzies wore off there was a stinging reality that he reminded me of someone I knew too well and while I’m not always fond of them I know they want the best for me. His approach to situations is lined with tough love, super honesty and it’s a bitter pill that I don’t always want to fucking swallow. I really felt like he was being all him without compromise and I felt like I was getting the short end of the stick because he couldn’t see nor overstand my perspective and that drove me crazy and away from him. We had a brief separation and after some back and forth we started over.

Flash forward to a year and half later and I know him better, he knows me better and he’s been a solid rock for me in really shitty situations. He can be a brute BUT he always has good intentions. When I am with him, I am learning to be myself in full but I’m not sure I can ever honestly be because like the person he reminds me of, the judgment and all the extra words is some shit I don’t need nor care for at all. I love the way he loves his momma and his children. I love who he is as a human being and I feel safe with him. We have practical, logical, fully grounded conversations that make a lot of sense. What’s missing is the fact that I don’t feel warm, fuzzy and like there’s any magic there. Which begs the question, is magic needed for a connection? I think for me it does. In order for me to want to lay in your bed, snuggle with you, be with you all day, sleep up under you, I need to feel butterflies raging. I need to feel like we are moving mountains, I want to be able to daydream with you….AND THAT SHIT IS IMPRACTICAL AND FOOLISH. I can appreciate his approach to life. I appreciate him because he does go out of his way to make me feel better and get me. He does try to the best of his abilities.

The danger of this situation is that when someone like The Stallion comes along or anyone else who can give me that high of feeling wrapped in butterflies and possibilities I go where the wind is blowing. That doesn’t make for a strong monogamous relationship, right? Well it’s a good thing I didn’t promise anyone monogamy. I promised that I would be honest, my best, truthful and open. I will give to the best of my abilities. Beyond that I can’t pretend that I will stay committed to someone because they are safe. I can’t be committed to someone who won’t celebrate my birthday. I just can’t be with someone who doesn’t dream and loves love and love humanity in a way that connects with my spirit. I don’t love him any less because we do not connect this way. I will always want him to be my friend and to be someone who is in my life forever. However the romance isn’t there and that is a dealbreaker for me. I told him this much but not in so many words. I think he gets it and I hope he’s not sad. He won’t ever tell me if he is and I can’t do anything about that. There’s something to be said about the fact that he doesn’t need me for anything though. It’s really actually pretty incredible that I don’t have to heal him or teach him or coddle him. That’s refreshing and probably why we worked for so long. Yet I am able to be enticed by someone else in ways that are less safe but light me on fire. The double edged sword of passion vs dedication. I need to find a marriage of both.