All Falls Down

The access and way to true love for self and others is by standing in the reasoning and belief of freedom. When you love truly and fully the idea of fear, anxiety and ego will dissipate. The fear of someone leaving us, falling out of love and simply walking away from us is rooted in conditions and ego. The constant worry of being too much or not being enough takes precedence over the space where truth, joy, freedoms, happiness and patience should live. That rigidness and desire to protect ourselves and the need to be the gatekeepers to our heart will keep the ones who wish us ill will out AND it will also keep out those who wish us well. That part really sucks and I’m kinda unwilling to live my life like that.

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It Was A Comfort…

I went looking for comfort. I found comfort in reading, writing poetry and sex with people who would never care about me, but it was comfort for the moment. I got caught, not in the act but a boy who actually did care and loved me, wrote me letters everyday. I missed one and it was found and I was beaten badly, my nose bled, I had black and blues, I was called a slut, nasty, horrible, lack of respect for myself and other terrible things. Ironically he saw me, not the broken me but the person who wrote poetry and who needed to be needed and wanted. We were both young and he made me feel like someone who belonged to someone. I was beaten by the person who refused to let me be wanted or feel good. He was comfort.

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The Purge

Like all things and all situations that hurt and damn near kill us, there has to come a point where things are ENOUGH. At some point I was over the bullshit and over the nastiness and I had to take a stand and make a choice for myself not to be a victim or the productive of someone else’s misery. My disposition in life is to be joyful and happy. My plan for myself is to be joyful and happy and that I don’t need permission for at all. I had to make a choice and it was either be sad or be free. The thing about freedom is that it doesn’t absolve or remove hard feelings but at least I knew that those moments would pass.

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Redwood

I am not yours
I belong to my ancestors
They protect me from your ill will
My power lies in my belief in myself
You’ve tried to poison my mind
With the poisonous words on your tongue
I may fall ill
But I do not die
I’ve waded through deep sorrow
Burning my lungs with stifled air
I’ve gasped for breaths
As you watched me from the bank
You grinned when you thought I’d gone under
But little did you know
That I became one with my death
I wasn’t ever going to die at your hands
It wasn’t my time

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As I AM…

Despite what anyone tells me, I know that I AM enough. Despite what I may tell myself when I’m feeling at my worst, I KNOW I am enough. There are moments when I need to empty my brain and empty my heart and just stop with the negative talk to myself about myself. I also realize that the voice in my head is not my own, but rather the voice of my mother projecting her thoughts about her on to me. I used to be distraught about what she would say to me but in reality I feel sympathy for her. We are all imperfect but she made me feel for a long time that my imperfections were not normal or worthy of love. THAT has nothing to do with me but everything to do with the trauma of her own thoughts and struggles. I will send her love and light because that is a miserable existence.

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Bad For The Heart BUT Great For The Pussy

I get flashbacks of the good sex that took place everywhere and anywhere and the nasty shit said and done…..LORDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get shivers thinking about his hands, his mouth, his lovely eggplant and the way he worked that damn thing. Fuckkkkkk. But he isn’t even worth the headache and the heartache. He ain’t shit. I didn’t always know he wasn’t shit but I know now and I learned it the hard way.

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Have I Ever Been In Love?

It’s not like I was trying to evade love or be pretending to love but I just didn’t really overstand what I was doing nor feeling and I was too insecure to focus on the love but rather focusing on trying to make someone stay. I was really kinda committed to being so accommodating and flexible that I was a caricature and false version of myself, so what I thought I was supposed to be, wasn’t actually me and well, how could that be love? I’m just now getting to the point where I am telling MY most raw truth about who I am AND honestly I’m also at the point where I give the least amounts of fucks about what anyone thinks of me. This love that I thought I NEEDED…WANTED…DESIRED is no longer a thing. This love…this narrative…this burning passion that I have, it absolutely is not for some dude. It’s for me.

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