What’s Your Fantasy?

The long and short of it is that I’m pierced. It hurt like hell for maybe 5 Seconds and then that was that. I did let out an OHHHHHHHHH FUCCCCCCCCK as the needle was going through and then the pain was pleasurable. Lmaoooo!!! Maybe I’m into a little bit of pain, don’t judge me. It looks good and it feels good too. It makes me wonder what other things other people are into as far as piercings and secret desires.

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Bumbling Bees

That shit was legit but it was all kinds of dudes, all kinds of ages, all kinds of ethnicities and all kinds of looks. I didn’t want all kinds of anything. I had to adjust the age because I don’t want any 20 something year olds UNLESS we are just having sex and maybe just maybe have a fun day at the beach or some shit. I had to filter the other direction too because I don’t want to date anyone 55 years old and over because UMMMMM no, I don’t want no DAddy who is literally as old as my own parents. That’s not appealing to me at all. I also had to filter young ones and the older guys who didn’t have kids.

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The Boy With The Rubik’s Cube

He’s the kid you’d imagine when you think of someone playing with a Rubik’s cube. He wears glasses, hair down to his glasses, baggy clothes, baby chub in his cheeks, average build, vans and a super shy disposition. The first day I saw him with his cube I was like doppppppppppppppe!!!!!! He looked at me like I was crazy. In my mind I was like good, be apprehensive because I’m a stranger and you should be cautious of me being so exited to see your Rubik’s cube. As the weeks and months passed by though, we realized we were gonna peeps each other daily. He started seeing me as someone who he met along his journey and he made sure to say hey, but I ain’t see the cube. Yesterday, after a long time of not seeing it, I finally was like dude….where is the cube?!!?? He happily pulled it out of his pocket!!!! I lost it. I was like yasssssssss!!!!!!!!!! I’m mad excited. My reaction made him crack up. Why am I such a nerd?

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School Shootings

4/20/99 always rattles me and how more than ever there are so many dates to know that I’ve just chosen to know none. There have been far too many school shootings and mass shootings period. The one in Charleston, SC rocked me hard. Someone decided to go into a church, sit through bible study AND then murder NINE people in cold blood, then casually walk out like it was nothing. There is something unsanctimonious and inherently evil for someone to engage in behavior that lacks the basic care for human life.

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Accepting Heartbreak

Things were always too unpredictable and I never truly felt as if he was ever fully all in, so I always braced myself for him to back out or just cancel. I was ready for that to be the case. But that night happened to be great. As he was driving me home and we held hands and I looked into his eyes I felt his sincerity. I felt like he’d also had a good night but I also felt his exhaustion. I felt his tiredness and his need for sleep and a respite. He needed to rest and focus on his job and his child and himself. I felt that. Yet he didn’t say any of this. He kissed me sweetly the way he does each and every time, then he said I hope you have a happy birthday and I’ll see you tonight at the spot. That was 13 days ago. I haven’t spoken to him since, not a word, not a text, not a carrier pigeon, not a telegram, not a tweet, not a DM, not a smoke signal, not a bat signal, no death notice, no bail bearing, no funeral arrangements nothing but silence.

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An Open Letter To Everyone Who Has Ever Thought About Suicide

There comes a point where you actually don’t feel the negative things anymore and you feel nothing. You feel the bottom of your pain, the part where every single fuck you had has run out and you lay in bed, do your chores, commit your acts of routine and then you just exist. You are a shell of yourself and you just lay at the bottom of your pain and you fade further and further away from the things that make you feel like a person and despite glimpses of hope, you cannot shake the feeling of being invisible and unimportant.

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Temporary Moments of Insanity

I experience this when I had an expectation based on what I thought was a routine and the moment that routine is interrupted and there’s no plan put in place to rectify the fall out, I kinda lose my shit. I need structure and I need commitments and I need order in my life. I cannot control what others do but I make requests and hope for the best. Eeeeeek!!!!!!!!! I hate trusting and putting my experiences in the hands of others. Why should I be okay with that?

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