A Star Is Born

actually now that I am thinking about that fucking movie, I really did not like it BECAUSE that shit was about so much toxicity and poison. There’s nothing glamorous about that type of relationship. He basically imposed himself upon her, and she was the caretaker for her father and his friends and then became the caretaker of this drunk asshole too. What kind of life is that for anyone? She had to be subject to his verbal abuse AND had to deal with her own father who basically was telling her she wasn’t beautiful enough in a Hollywood kind of a way. She was complimented in a backhanded, underhanded, backdoor kind of a way. At no point was anyone choosing Ally for Ally!!!

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Irrational Fears

The thing about death is the finality of the whole thing. The earthly ending is very difficult. There really is no end to how much you actually miss someone and how much it hurts. I think of my friend, my first date and I can still see his handsome face, I can feel his touch, I remember our conversations and the hardest part is remembering that we weren’t good when he died. We had fallen out and we didn’t really talk for a while and hearing he died changed me.

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8 Years of Mommying

She was always a choice for me. I knew she was a girl the moment I found out I was pregnant. I knew that we were connected because I used to dream of her and I’d talk to her often when she was cooking in my womb. When she was born at 11:04 AM, I was ready for her and she was ready for me. She latched on and drank her milk and we have been hanging out ever since. She teaches me the importance of honoring my word because she will clock me if I skip out on a duty. She says it kindly and with compassion but she checks me!!! I end up doing what I said I would do. Ha ha.

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Compassion For Myself

However, just like annoying relatives, after a while you just put your foot down and create boundaries. As funny as that sounds, I think I had to create a boundary for myself with myself. I know when I’m at the top of the slippery slope and I know exactly what will push me down that slope, so I stop myself. I have to literally think a different thought so as to not trap myself in a cage of old ass emotions about old ass shit that’s not even happening right now. I know the residual effects are not happening right now in this moment and honestly, what’s missing is me being present. It is easy for me to think thoughts that keep me sad and small. I can easily punish myself with disruptive thoughts but that lacks compassion for me and it’s not in alignment with who I want to be nor who I am.

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A part of recognizing a man, is honoring myself as a woman and accessing my femininity. The right man will allow the room for himself to learn himself, find himself and be good to himself. His ability to be good to himself will leave room for him to be good to me and to humanity. I say this to say that when I know someone is working on themselves it is important to honor their journey and support them on their quest. It is important for me to leave The Alchemist the room that he requests. He has to have the space to be with himself and that has nothing to do with me.

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I Don’t Need To Be Perfect To Be Loved

I did not know love, I learned perfectionism and within the self imposed confines of that, I became a people pleaser and I would sacrifice my well being for a little bit of affection…and knowing it wouldn’t last. I just needed a little bit of something to feel like I mattered. I would have rather been inconvenienced and put out, just to get a little bit of attention and affection because I couldn’t find that. I was wrong at every turn. I was unacceptable at every turn. I was unworthy at every turn. I was looking for ways to be enough and i often came up short and I was told so every single time. Ouch.

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My Past Isn’t Happening Now

Silence. There’s two types of silence for me; constructive silence and malicious silence. I grew up with malicious silence. What’s that mean? It was prefaced by hurtful, vicious and soul breaking words and then a cold, shut out, don’t speak to me, you are invisible silence. That occurred for years and because this person was my primary care giver, I couldn’t turn anywhere for help and I was shut down when I tried to understand or make amends. There was no way to make amends. There was no way to make it better, and I tried everything but none of it mattered. It was tough to manage. Now, I didn’t know that constructive silence existed, but I learned quickly and that type of silence is actually refreshing and I like it a bunch.

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